That one girl

The one thing i most desire for is Love. Not just any love but true love. I want her to be the first thing on my mind when i wake up and the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep. I want to share with her every little thing that i have even if it's not much anyway. I want to have that skipping of a heart beat everytime i look into her eyes, and i want to have that same feeling of love from the first time i had that crush on her till death do us apart. I want to cook for her everyday eventhough i said i'll only cook on special occasions. I want to spend every minute of my life with her and i never want to feel uncomfortable infront of her even if i act like a girl or dress like one. I want to love her for who she it and i'll accept both her good and bad points. I want to play the penis game with her and i'll never get tired of her. Last of all and the most important thing, i'll want her to to love me the way i'll love her. And i want her to want all that i wanted for her the same to me. This is my wish, my deepest desire.

It's a very very mad world.

So i'm tired and still deciding if i should go to church tmr. I miss my kids but i don't want to see the other people.


It's been a long day today and i don't know why but i've been upset the whole day. But at least i didn't show it, my pokerface seems to be getting better everyday. I actually didn't sleep well last night. It rained the whole night and eventhough my windows were closed, I was practically freezing. And i think my sister passed her cough to me. Sometimes i would just randomly wake up in the middle of the night just to cough, that was how bad it was. So you can guess how tired i am right now.


Everybody has been blaming me for everything today. It's like nothing i did was correct, while everything they did was perfect. It happened during baking class, and it happened again at home. My Mum was complaining about my Dad and i tried to side him and in the end i got scolded too. And my Mum asked if i could undertand English.. Thanks for the support Mum.


It's time to take my daily medication, but i don't feel like taking it. This is the third night in the row that i've not taken it... I'm scared. I feel like i can't trust what this pill does to me. Not after what my mum told me about the effects for my other pills. I feel as if nobody believes me, especially the doctors. They think i'm lying about my migraines, they think i'm crazy. Who knows? Maybe i am. I feel crazy. I'm crazy enough to continue living in this fucked up world where no one cares.

Probably good for nothing

So today has been pretty much crazy. I don't really want to thank god it's friday, cause my weekend plans are usually the same as weekdays. There's not a single night in the whole week that i can actually sleep in. And i'm so tired right now, it's not even funny anymore...
So this morning i woke up at 6 to wake my brother up for school. But when i went out of my room, i saw my brother coming out of his room too so i actually woke up for nothing. At 640 my brother woke me up and asked me if i could send him up the bus, i agreed and when i went out of my room my Mum came out of her room and asked me what i was doing. I mean like isn't it obvious enough? Haha. I told her and she just asked me to go back to sleep, another 'waking up' for nothing. So it's pretty much obvious that when i had to wake up at 730, i was exhausted! HBL was fun though. Seriously, we should have hbl like once a month!
During my break, i went out to get lunch for my Mum, Sis and myself. And i totally forgot that today's friday
again, so i basically bought like fried chicken, sausages, otah and other meat... Tsk. Lucky my Mum didn't scold me. After hbl was over, my Sis asked me if i wanted to go out or not. How to say no right? ..........
When i was about to bathe to get ready to go out, which was at about 420, my Mum came into the room and asked both my Sis and i to skype Lao ee. In the end we were late cause we talked too long, lol. Lucky there was another time slot for hunger games at 550 so we cabbed there. And good, cause we made it in time.The movie was really good, and i wouldn't mind watching it again.
Here comes the sad part. After the movie, my Sister wasn't feeling really good but she still wanted to go to expo, so we cabbed there. Her feet were hurting cause she was wearing realling tall heels and so she got upset when we couldn't find Jean D. In the end we found her and while we were waiting for an opportunity to talk to Jean D, my Sis twisted her ankle and fell. I didn't really saw what happened, not until i heard stuff. I helped her up and she was so embarressed because the place was really crowded. The guys from first 11 were there with Jean D, and people were taking pictures of and with them. A group of malay ladies suddenly appeared and they caught my attention because they were so loud and noisy, and guess who i saw... One of thee ladies was Ms N... She was laughing really loud when suddenly she saw me too, her face expression immediatlely changed (priceless).. I looked away, and she actually approached me and started talking to me.. Okay lets just forget about that, back to the sad story. My Sis felt like Jean D was avoiding her, and i actually sensed it too but i didn't want to upset her so i told her that she was just being paranoid. Stuff happened and when my Sis was waiting for Jean D cause she asked her to wait for her, my Sis suddenly just wanted to go. We went out of the hall and she told me that she needed to sit down, so we sat outside the hall. And she just started crying... She was crying halfway when all of them came out, all the guys, then followed by Ms N and her friends and then Jean D. They all left and when i turned to look at Ms N, she turned too and she smiled at me for about 5 seconds. My sister didn't really talk much after she cried. And i didn't know what to do. She bought me a hot dog bun and i ate it while we waited for a cab. When we reached outside my house, my sister tripped and fell at the road, and when i wanted to help her up, she started crying again. And that part I was literally screaming in my head to God, asking why does he have to be like that. I'm already experiencing the sucking of life, why does he have to make the people around me suffer too.. When we finally reached home, and when she sat down, i realised that her knee was bleeding. I hate how my sister is suffering and i can't do anything about it.
My tweet goes out to her ' I can beat up anyonewo bullies my sister, i can protect her from anything. But tell me, how do i stop her from getting her heart broken? '
No matter how much we may fight, I still love my Sister and i never want to see her so upset. So Jean D, you have lost my respect.

Things going through my head

Some people just cannot take no for an answer. I just hope one day karma will fucking strike you.

11:11

So many things i want in life. And i just realised that eventhough i wish to end my life almost every other night, i still want a lot of things. So tonight i wish to have at least one of my dreams, come true.

Fishy

One day my girlfriend will take me to an aquarium and we'll spend the day there. Cause she'll know everything about me and one of the things i absolutely love, is everything about the sea.

Empty soul

So i asked Ms Tan to side my sister and be there for her because she needs her. Ms Tan replied and asked me :"what about you?" I plan not to reply her but this is what i wanted to say
"I don't need anyone, cause i'm already dead"

God help me.

"Blood is thicker than water"
Fuck that shit. My family members are so fucked up they don't deserve me. They deserve shit. Only when they need or want something then they come to me. If i ever say no or can't do it, they get angry and stop talking to me. I don't know if i should change my name to Maid or Slave or i don't know. And what's worse is i'm always the one apologising,
even when i didn't do anything...
My face is all wet, second time crying on the same night.
Right now i need God, this is an emergency. I can't take it anymore. I know my limits and i've already reached it.

My brother just said something to me. And i think i just literally died.
My own blood brother would say these kind of things to me.
I actually don't know what to do anymore.

Silent cry

The only lesson i've learnt after getting my heart break a thousand times is not to trust anybody.
So i would rather just keep everything to myself than to tell you anything.
I would rather just suffer silently than to let you know how much pain i'm actually feeling.

So many things.

So many things bothering me.
So much things on my mind.
So many things i want to say,
Yet so little words comes out.
So many friends that i have,
Yet so few to rely on.
So many things to be grateful for,
But so many things i ain't happy about.
So many things i want to change,
But i've no idea where to start.
So many dreams to fulfill,
But only one i wish for everynight.
So many expectations to live up to,
But all I give back are dissapointments.

Why the fuck am i always so dam unlucky?

Us.

February 2012.

Tired.

Why is everyone so dam fucked-up annoying? I'm so pissed i can explode right now.. Like, has anyone ever cared about me? All i do is please everyone. Why am i trying so dam hard to make everyone else happy?
So numb, the only thing i feel is this pain, deep inside my heart. I'm broken and scared and there's nothing i do about it. Tonight, my only prayer is for me to never open my eyes again once i fall asleep.

I'm dying

Feeling so sick right now..
Even my body's giving up on me.
I feel as if i'm going to die soon.
So weak, so tired.

Fml yet again

Is there anyone out there that can fix someone? I need to be mended.
I have no one to count on, no one to go to. 
Not today.. I lost Wati, .........'s in Malaysia 
and i havent replied and of her whatsapp msges. 
No one else. I don't care if this is a paradigm or not. I'm so tired. 
And God knows how long i've been tired for.
I have no motivation, no inspiration.
I wake up every morning to find that i've lived another fucking day...