That one girl

The one thing i most desire for is Love. Not just any love but true love. I want her to be the first thing on my mind when i wake up and the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep. I want to share with her every little thing that i have even if it's not much anyway. I want to have that skipping of a heart beat everytime i look into her eyes, and i want to have that same feeling of love from the first time i had that crush on her till death do us apart. I want to cook for her everyday eventhough i said i'll only cook on special occasions. I want to spend every minute of my life with her and i never want to feel uncomfortable infront of her even if i act like a girl or dress like one. I want to love her for who she it and i'll accept both her good and bad points. I want to play the penis game with her and i'll never get tired of her. Last of all and the most important thing, i'll want her to to love me the way i'll love her. And i want her to want all that i wanted for her the same to me. This is my wish, my deepest desire.

It's a very very mad world.

So i'm tired and still deciding if i should go to church tmr. I miss my kids but i don't want to see the other people.


It's been a long day today and i don't know why but i've been upset the whole day. But at least i didn't show it, my pokerface seems to be getting better everyday. I actually didn't sleep well last night. It rained the whole night and eventhough my windows were closed, I was practically freezing. And i think my sister passed her cough to me. Sometimes i would just randomly wake up in the middle of the night just to cough, that was how bad it was. So you can guess how tired i am right now.


Everybody has been blaming me for everything today. It's like nothing i did was correct, while everything they did was perfect. It happened during baking class, and it happened again at home. My Mum was complaining about my Dad and i tried to side him and in the end i got scolded too. And my Mum asked if i could undertand English.. Thanks for the support Mum.


It's time to take my daily medication, but i don't feel like taking it. This is the third night in the row that i've not taken it... I'm scared. I feel like i can't trust what this pill does to me. Not after what my mum told me about the effects for my other pills. I feel as if nobody believes me, especially the doctors. They think i'm lying about my migraines, they think i'm crazy. Who knows? Maybe i am. I feel crazy. I'm crazy enough to continue living in this fucked up world where no one cares.

Probably good for nothing

So today has been pretty much crazy. I don't really want to thank god it's friday, cause my weekend plans are usually the same as weekdays. There's not a single night in the whole week that i can actually sleep in. And i'm so tired right now, it's not even funny anymore...
So this morning i woke up at 6 to wake my brother up for school. But when i went out of my room, i saw my brother coming out of his room too so i actually woke up for nothing. At 640 my brother woke me up and asked me if i could send him up the bus, i agreed and when i went out of my room my Mum came out of her room and asked me what i was doing. I mean like isn't it obvious enough? Haha. I told her and she just asked me to go back to sleep, another 'waking up' for nothing. So it's pretty much obvious that when i had to wake up at 730, i was exhausted! HBL was fun though. Seriously, we should have hbl like once a month!
During my break, i went out to get lunch for my Mum, Sis and myself. And i totally forgot that today's friday
again, so i basically bought like fried chicken, sausages, otah and other meat... Tsk. Lucky my Mum didn't scold me. After hbl was over, my Sis asked me if i wanted to go out or not. How to say no right? ..........
When i was about to bathe to get ready to go out, which was at about 420, my Mum came into the room and asked both my Sis and i to skype Lao ee. In the end we were late cause we talked too long, lol. Lucky there was another time slot for hunger games at 550 so we cabbed there. And good, cause we made it in time.The movie was really good, and i wouldn't mind watching it again.
Here comes the sad part. After the movie, my Sister wasn't feeling really good but she still wanted to go to expo, so we cabbed there. Her feet were hurting cause she was wearing realling tall heels and so she got upset when we couldn't find Jean D. In the end we found her and while we were waiting for an opportunity to talk to Jean D, my Sis twisted her ankle and fell. I didn't really saw what happened, not until i heard stuff. I helped her up and she was so embarressed because the place was really crowded. The guys from first 11 were there with Jean D, and people were taking pictures of and with them. A group of malay ladies suddenly appeared and they caught my attention because they were so loud and noisy, and guess who i saw... One of thee ladies was Ms N... She was laughing really loud when suddenly she saw me too, her face expression immediatlely changed (priceless).. I looked away, and she actually approached me and started talking to me.. Okay lets just forget about that, back to the sad story. My Sis felt like Jean D was avoiding her, and i actually sensed it too but i didn't want to upset her so i told her that she was just being paranoid. Stuff happened and when my Sis was waiting for Jean D cause she asked her to wait for her, my Sis suddenly just wanted to go. We went out of the hall and she told me that she needed to sit down, so we sat outside the hall. And she just started crying... She was crying halfway when all of them came out, all the guys, then followed by Ms N and her friends and then Jean D. They all left and when i turned to look at Ms N, she turned too and she smiled at me for about 5 seconds. My sister didn't really talk much after she cried. And i didn't know what to do. She bought me a hot dog bun and i ate it while we waited for a cab. When we reached outside my house, my sister tripped and fell at the road, and when i wanted to help her up, she started crying again. And that part I was literally screaming in my head to God, asking why does he have to be like that. I'm already experiencing the sucking of life, why does he have to make the people around me suffer too.. When we finally reached home, and when she sat down, i realised that her knee was bleeding. I hate how my sister is suffering and i can't do anything about it.
My tweet goes out to her ' I can beat up anyonewo bullies my sister, i can protect her from anything. But tell me, how do i stop her from getting her heart broken? '
No matter how much we may fight, I still love my Sister and i never want to see her so upset. So Jean D, you have lost my respect.

Things going through my head

Some people just cannot take no for an answer. I just hope one day karma will fucking strike you.

11:11

So many things i want in life. And i just realised that eventhough i wish to end my life almost every other night, i still want a lot of things. So tonight i wish to have at least one of my dreams, come true.

Fishy

One day my girlfriend will take me to an aquarium and we'll spend the day there. Cause she'll know everything about me and one of the things i absolutely love, is everything about the sea.

Empty soul

So i asked Ms Tan to side my sister and be there for her because she needs her. Ms Tan replied and asked me :"what about you?" I plan not to reply her but this is what i wanted to say
"I don't need anyone, cause i'm already dead"

God help me.

"Blood is thicker than water"
Fuck that shit. My family members are so fucked up they don't deserve me. They deserve shit. Only when they need or want something then they come to me. If i ever say no or can't do it, they get angry and stop talking to me. I don't know if i should change my name to Maid or Slave or i don't know. And what's worse is i'm always the one apologising,
even when i didn't do anything...
My face is all wet, second time crying on the same night.
Right now i need God, this is an emergency. I can't take it anymore. I know my limits and i've already reached it.

My brother just said something to me. And i think i just literally died.
My own blood brother would say these kind of things to me.
I actually don't know what to do anymore.

Silent cry

The only lesson i've learnt after getting my heart break a thousand times is not to trust anybody.
So i would rather just keep everything to myself than to tell you anything.
I would rather just suffer silently than to let you know how much pain i'm actually feeling.

So many things.

So many things bothering me.
So much things on my mind.
So many things i want to say,
Yet so little words comes out.
So many friends that i have,
Yet so few to rely on.
So many things to be grateful for,
But so many things i ain't happy about.
So many things i want to change,
But i've no idea where to start.
So many dreams to fulfill,
But only one i wish for everynight.
So many expectations to live up to,
But all I give back are dissapointments.

Why the fuck am i always so dam unlucky?

Us.

February 2012.

Tired.

Why is everyone so dam fucked-up annoying? I'm so pissed i can explode right now.. Like, has anyone ever cared about me? All i do is please everyone. Why am i trying so dam hard to make everyone else happy?
So numb, the only thing i feel is this pain, deep inside my heart. I'm broken and scared and there's nothing i do about it. Tonight, my only prayer is for me to never open my eyes again once i fall asleep.

I'm dying

Feeling so sick right now..
Even my body's giving up on me.
I feel as if i'm going to die soon.
So weak, so tired.

Fml yet again

Is there anyone out there that can fix someone? I need to be mended.
I have no one to count on, no one to go to. 
Not today.. I lost Wati, .........'s in Malaysia 
and i havent replied and of her whatsapp msges. 
No one else. I don't care if this is a paradigm or not. I'm so tired. 
And God knows how long i've been tired for.
I have no motivation, no inspiration.
I wake up every morning to find that i've lived another fucking day... 

I'm so god damn tired of life.
I don't even want to talk about anything anymore.
Everything, EVERYTHING seems to be my fault.
Whatever i say or do is wrong.
Why am i even here in the first place?
Why am i holding back?
Oh cause im hoping and praying,
maybe someday someone would help me.
Reality check, no one is going to do that.
I'm just slowly fading away.
Deep inside im dying every minute.

Love Strikes.

Eh boy , why you so cute?

Love Strikes.

Weather so shiok.

  

Love Strikes.






















It's such a cold day today.
I fucking ran for the bus in the morning,
i don't even know why i ran..
And then i couldn't breathe, tsk.
I left my earpiece at home 
so i was kinda irritated :(
I need music in the morning!
School was okay today,
i realised that those Eng stuff i did last week
was counted in CA. 
And i copied every single thing from my friend..
We kinda had free period during CCE,
so Ms G thought us Chem.
She was like totally rushing  while teaching.
I felt like..... She was already rushing just
cause she wanted us to know how to do some 
chemical bonding thing and she only had an hour.
And I didn't even know what she was talking about
I felt so dumb and unprepared .
I'm so not ready for EOY :/
During recess i found out that choc milk
have like way too much sugar in it.
Why????!!!!!! I <3 chocolate milk.
Went home straight after school.
Took a nap, and woke up an hour later.
Totally regret sleeping la,
i became more tired + headache became worse.
But i felt way better after i ate.
My water diet's never gonna work 
if i continue being like this.
Right now i'm drinking choc milk (AGAIN) 
and eating grapes.
Oh just remembered that i'm meeting Ms N
tomorrow. Heh (:
Wanted to talk about .............
But idk there's just so many things i want to say.
I just feel like H doesn't have time for G anymore.
And G's just too busy trying so hard to study
but always failing to and 
she just cant stay back to wait for H.anymore.

I miss her

Love Strikes.

















It's been such a bloody long day.. 
Monday sucks hard core.
School was somehow longer than usual,
and i hardly paid any attention in class.
I was already so tired and lessons were boring.
After school, i met Wati to go for DC.
All we had to do was do some reflections,
and stay for 1hr30mins . 
Omg i tricked .......... today during detention.
And she totally fell for it. HAHAHAHA.. 
I called her twice and she rejected me!
lol She never hanged up on me before!
I just reached home not long ago and
she haven't actually tried contacting me yet.
Doesn't she care if i'm in big trouble or not?
Fuck no. Sigh
.......... has been acting so weirdly .
What's up with her sia :/  
She doesn't seem like she care about me.
I miss her like fuck lah. Tsk.
Its 6 already and i haven't even start on F&N yet.
I'm so tired 
and i actually wanted to sleep early tonight.
i guess not.
The only nice thing that happened was,
Mum got me banana & chocolate waffle :)
Really have to start on F&N now!!
Kbye.

Eh fuck i want..

I want :(

Without you girl,

Love Strikes

Today was such a fun day at church 
(only during cat class)

I took over cause Aunty Vino couldn't make it

The kids were restless and noisy but 
i managed it considering i'm like that hahaha.

I finished what i wanted to teach 
15mins before class ended,

so i decided to let them play ice & water,

They were so cute

Went for mass with my Dad and Bro,

and i realised that they changed the way 
of mass, I kinda like the older way 
since i'm so used to it.

After mass, we went home.

We had lunch and then i started 'studying'

Mum had to beg me to go and study :/

I have never study at home before,

so i'm pretty proud of myself now :)

Right now i'm taking a break and eating
grapes.Healthy much? :P 

Going to continue on Bio in about 10 mins.

Then maybe stop to have dinner
than its time to sleep!

School tmr, so not looking forward to it.

Fuck I have detention too. Sigh. Fuck KC

Birthday Wish List

My Birthday's in 2weeks plus..

Time passes so fast.

What i really want :/
1. LongBoard

  Prety Pleaseeeeeeee

 2. A cool helmet (but must get longboard first)

3. Clothes and tongue studs

4.A really hot girlfriend :P

5.White ink tattoo

6. And money $$$ 

Sigh. Wished i had it all.
      I'd be happy

FML

Love Strikes.
Its been so long since i Blogged.. More than a year.
Life's been very hard.
I'm single now with not a single true friend maybe except for Wati.
There's so many things i want to say but nothing's coming out.
I cut my hair last year, so now i'm a Butch? lol
I kinda don't regret but if i could turn back time i wouldn't cut my hair.
People said i changed, and maybe i did.
I'm still in secondary 3 and i think i'm going to retain again.
I really hate my life and i'm hardly happy now a days..

2 days back (19/1)

Had exercise in the morning.

I didnt really want to run,

so i slacked a little.

We had to run 1 round VJC.

Mr J was running with us.

When i was about to run into the school,

I saw Mr J and a few of my classmates,

so i went to them.

Mr J wanted us to sprint,

1 round the kennel and then,

into the school..

So we started running,

I ran ahead of him,

and he started pressure-rising me.

LOL, i kept running faster.

but i gave up because i was too tired.

But i felt that Mr J helped me.

After recess,

Ardini call me "fat pig" !!!!

I was angry then i grab her uniform.

she pulled hard and I fell off the chair.

lol..

Annabel didnt go to school because she was sick.

Yesterday (20/1)

Had P.E.

We ran half of 2.4km.

And in the end i was 5th.

Yasmyn, Dianty, Danielle, Syazwani then me.

My timing was 10:22s.

After we ran,

we went to take height and weight.

My weight is 39kg.

No time to take height,

...

I had to stay back because of NYAA.

MST took revenge.

She BLINKED at me!!

Hmphh..

...

I fought with Chermine and Jill.

My bff and great friend is gone now..

I only left Syazwani, Dinisha and Clara.

I cannot afford to lose anyone now.

I cant..

I fought with Annabel too.

Fuck her...

...

Today.

I didnt go to school today..

Saw M.T today.
She wore this cute black dress,
that really fitted her.
She look really nice in it.
Miss her so much..

...

School was so boring today.
My Hyper-mode didnt activate,
and i was so sleepy.
Didnt do Art H/w,
And Mr J called my Mum.

...

I didnt talk to Annabel today,
I didnt smile at her.
All i did was look at her a few times.
I miss her, but i don't know what to do..
ILY A.

I really want to know.
What the fuck you do at home.
Why not let me tell you,
what you do.
You, Fucking dont do anything..
If you went to work,
and earn money for the family,
I wouldnt be so mad at you.
But You're just not doing anything at all.

...

I love you.
And i dont want break up with you.
I need time to forget the past.
And you're not helping me.
I hate it when people touch me.
But because of you,
im trying so hard to let go.
I let you hug me,
I let you hold my hand.
So, dont blame me for not doing,
anything with you.

...

Sometimes, I wonder how people.
can stand me..
I hate my attitude,
I hate everything about me.
I cant control my feelings..
...

Love Strikes.

I didnt feel like going to school today.
But because it was a friday,
I had to go to see Annabel :)
We had to do some Yog stuff.
And our class screwed up.
Why isit always my class,
screwing up?
Or isit because,
Im the screwed up :(
Talked to Ang mo girl today.
Said this to Syazwani :
"You're Fucking annoying!"
So many things happened.
After school, Anna,
Hugged me.
I badly wanted a kiss,
but she didnt, and i didnt dare.

Under the Sea.

Went to Science Centre today :)
It was Awesome!
Onmi Theater and Body world were great!
Annabel was with me almost all of the time.
She kept holding my hand :)
But i never really feel,
comfortable when someone touches me.
Not after what he did.

....

Played Tennis with Dinisha and Jill.
At the end,
Dini and I were hitting balls.
We wanted to make the ball stuck onto the net.
And in the end,
Jill had to ask a worker to help us. LOL

...

Went home with Dini.
Saw Jiajia walking, And we said goodbye.
I looked behind and BOOMZ.
Lightning shocked me..
She smiled at me.
That smile is the sweetest smile i've ever seen.

SOS

Its been like 2months since I blogged. LOL
My Dogs are barking, Im hungry, and I have a headeche.
Im back with her :) Love you baby.
We went to Chijmes today.
Actually we supposed to go malaysia one lor.
Then got bomb :(
But Chijmes was not bad.. Hahaha.
Since school started,
I've been walking pass T, Like million of times.
Keep eye contacting each other during assemblys.
Fuck this shit, 1 time when i looked at her, I cried.
Please get out of my heart.

I need help.
I cant control myself.
I cant, i want to stop, but i cant.
Im fucking depressed.
help.

Theres this new Ang mo girl in my class.
Quite cute, but i so don't like her.
LOL I Like and Love Annabel :)

Saw Queenie and Corrine today,
Supprised my eyes didnt even look at Q.
Hmmm, so my heart is loyal.
Great. lol.

Life...

Haiz..
Its been raining cats and dogs...
So cold, so fierce..

I just realized,
that im a fucked up person...
Im just a nobody in this world.
If i died,
the people around me,
would just mourn and be 'sad' for a few days.
Then their lives continue,
and they live like nothing happened.
Im not even appreciated now..
Fuck me.

I pray every night,
pray to God to take me away.
To not let me wake up the next day.
But im still here.

Im not even talking to her..
The last I messaged her was lke 3 days ago..
What is this?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!

I Hate Me.

Okay.. Actually we didnt go to the Jail thingy yesterday..
We went to Victoria market and Harbour Front, to shop.
Hahahahaha.. I bought Monkey clothes ^^
I also bought Dresses and High heels for Chinese New Year.
All Purple in colour. Hahahahahaha.. 
Wanted the clothes to be Grey but it was too dull :O

Walao, the food here is GOOD, but expensive..
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa...
Im leaving, later this afternnon..
Going for Lunch now.
I've not even ready for Camp tomorrow...
Hahahahahahahaha.. LOL..

Time passes so fast.

What happened on Wednessday:
My Dad rented a car.
And he drove to some far away place.
We went to some kind of farm..
Saw Cows, Horses, Birds,
Aiya many many animals lah ;)
After that, we went to a Blueberry farm.
But it wasnt in season,
so there wasnt much to do there.
Except to eat and taste blueberry.
I bought a small bottle of sweets,
For my friends :) Hope they can share. LOL

What happened yesterday:
We took a train down to another country place.
Went to Sovereign Hill.
It was freaking cool.. Hahahahaahhahhaa..
Did lots of cool stuff.
Made something for Annabel for (11.11.09)
Shhhhhhhhh ;) Its a secret! lol
When we went back to the city,
My sister and I decided to go back first.
So we walked back.
Didnt really know where the hotel was.
So we walked. Hahahahaha.
We bought Subway :D
And Cup noodles from 7-eleven.
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Great dinner :) Hahahahaha

Im going back tomorrow :)
Hahahahahahahahahahaaaa..
I think we are going to a famous Jail,
today.
Okay.. Bye bye :)

...................

What the fuck?!
Walao.. I hate my FAMILY!!
Idiot bitches..
Arghhh... Go scold me in public.
I dont want to talk about it.. Hmmph.
My mummy said loads of crap to me..
And i will always remember this:
"You always spoil our mood when you are around"
Thats just great..
Its freezzziinnngg here!!
Hahaha, wore long skirt todayy.
I dont know what to buy for my friends sia..
Bubble Gumm can?? Lol. hahahaa..
Haiz.. I miss you guys so much :'(

The Flight was 10 hours long, i think ;)
I didnt slept at all. Tired Zzz.
Watched movies..
Walao, the stewardess keep touching my hand.
hahahahahahahahahahahaha..
Miss Annabel, and friends :'(
We went to the supermarket,
bought food :) LOL
Time is really different, 3 hours.
So now, at melborne is 8:35.
While Singapore is 6:35..
Okayy. gtg. love you guys.

Fuck.

Fuck man..
I asked Annabel for Break..
I wasnt thinking..
My mind is really confused..
I dont want to break..
I Love You, Annabel.
Im sorry :
I made you sad.
I made you angry.
I tore your heart.
Im really sorry....
Sorrry sorrry ssooorrryy!!!!
I love you, i love you, i love you!

Im leaving tonight. Good bye :)

I went to church today.
After that went out with my family,
except my sister. She have lessons.
We went to some place near orchard
to pick up my mum's cousins (I think)
Had lunch at some korean restaraunt..
Hahahaha. Im leaving tomorrow night.

So sad  ;'(

Walao..
When i woke up this morning,
I saw my sister getting ready to go out.
Found out that my mummy
and little brother went out an hour ago.
I was alone at home...
I washed my two doggys :)
Ate instant noodles for lunch.
It freaking rained in the evening.
There were like thousands of Lightning,
and Thunder.
Bloody loud.. I wanted A so badly.
Haha, Jill sms me say not to be scared.
My good friend :)
Chermine dyed her hair, Dark red.
I want to dye my hair too.
Green or Blue.
I want to have tongue piercing..
Haiz.. Im so bored,
I decided to do a note on Facebook.
Goodnight.
Happy Halloween :)

I will always remember the memories we had, 201.

Heyy heyy.
I didn't blog yesterday,
cause my family made me angry.
I was freaking pissed.
I cried outside school,
when my mum was talking
to me on the phone.

Omg, time past so fast!
Yesterday, was like the 1st day of school.
And, today is the last day of school.
So many friends moving up to 3/2.
Well, im moving to 3/1.
I will miss you, Dinisha, and Jill!!
At least I have Annabel, Chermine,
and Clara.

Walao.. Today so many people cry sia..
Actually i never cry lor..
Then suddenly got
THUNDER and LIGHTNING!!
Hahaha, Annabel hugged me. haha.
Jill and chermine too, i think.

After school, we went to Jill's house,
Annabel, Joan, Clara, Dinisha, Chermine.
Jill, Muneera and Khalisah.
Dinisha left early, because she had Cca.
Corrine and Queenie, came too.
I played Tennis with Khalisah.
While the rest played True/dare..
Walao.. Annabel kiss Munnera sia..
Hmphh.. Im not supposed to be jealous.
But, whatever...
Later on, Sonia, Talya and Nat came.

When Annabel left, i followed her to the busstop.
Then Dianty and Victoria Jong saw us.
Bustered sia. Hahaaaa.
We sat at the busstop for quite a long time.
God maybe telling me something.
When the bus arrived, A decided to take
Cab. LOL. Haha, so cute.
I miss you guys so much,aready.
Really hope to see you all soon.  
Ps. Im going to Melborne on Monday,
3rd November. Wont be back till 9th Nov.
I wil have Sailing camp too, from 9th-12/13th.

So many pupil didn't come to school today.
We watched movies, and played True/Dare.
Had to stand on a chair and shout
"I Love You, Annabel"
There were kissings dare, but
I was not allowed to kiss anyone because,
of Annabel.
After school, I went to Jill's house.
We played tennis and Badminton.
Syazwani  was pissed because of something.
And she didn't talked to me at all,
even when i talked to her..

The reason was Annabel.

Now Syazwani is trying to hang out
less with me..

Annabel gave me a monkey keychain,
Last week. My parents gave me a
Monkey bag, today. I love monkeys :)

I woke up late today. Zzz sleeppyy.

Had to ask my Granpa to fetch me on his motorbike.

So fun! It's been so long since i rode on it.

I reached school at 6:45. Early!

Waited for Jill and Syazwani :x

Saw Annabel, when we walked into school.

After checking our marks,
we went to the EOA room to watch movie.
We watched Narnia*
In Narnia, got Lion :)
Annabel sat next to me.
(I think she got forced lor, LOL)
I made Jill cry during the movie.
I feel really bad..

After school, Jiao Qing treated
Chermine, Jill, and me to bubble tea :)
I had Cca, so had to go back to school.
That ST is freaking annoying,
so bias!! So SHINGZ, LOL. Haha.

Im a Bitch :'(

Had fun todayy! Hehheh..
Went to Marina Barrage with class
201,202 and 207.
It was fun until Khalisah flipped up my skirt,
IN PUBLIC!

After we were dismissed, we went to PP.
To have lunch. But in the end, we take away.
Saw Annabel (L) and the rest, and was forced
to say goodbye to her properly.
And later on was forced again to hug her.
So happy :D hahahahahahahahahaha.
We ate at Jill's house and played badminton
and tennis (:

Annabel said that i was a flirt :O
I hang out with Syazwani too much..
She thinks that Syazwani will steal me
away..
She's wrong!
I only like and love you, Annabel!