I want to praise myself for acting so well today. Even Ms tan thought that I was in a good mood. I decided to just put on my poker face to everyone. I really can't trust anyone already, and it sucks. Not a single one out there knows I'm hurting so badly.. Nevermind, I'll just feel better after a few puffs or maybe I'll eat like a lot.
I'm really in love with n... I think she's the one, and i'm serious. God, just give her to me and I'll leave you alone. I won't even care if my days get 10 times worse than what I'm already going through. I just need her.

I'm dead to the world.
I'm dead inside.
I surrender, you win God.

Fml again?

There's only a limit to my patience.
So don't fucking blow it.
So fucking tired of everyone
And how they treat me.
I'm like a dog, a slave, a joke..
What else? Maybe everything else except for a human.
And the only way I'm dealing with all these is just ranting out here on this fucking blog that only i read.
What irritates me most is when i've done so many things and yet I'm never appreciated. People say hurtful things to me, ask me to do so many things for them and when i finally say something back or don't do what they've asked, they get angry... It's like I'm never ever going to have a life. I really ask myself sometimes... Should i just forget about my own feelings completely and just shut my mouth and please everyone? Should i just shut off completely cause obviously I'm not wanted.
In school, at home, where else?
Everyday it gets harder.
I'd give up my life for some kid in Africa who's suffering from some disease or starving right now.
Cause i know every other life out there in this world is so much more worth mine.
The pain in me is unbearable.
Have you ever felt so helpless that it hurts so badly?
It sucks to be in this alone,
It sucks even more that i thought that THEY will stick with me no matter what.
People always say "everybody has there ups and downs"
Is that true? Cause i don't know what or who to believe anymore.
Hope's the only thing that i have, but it's decreasing everytime i fall.
I don't know how long more until i give up completely.

Deprived

I'm in need of a stick right now.
It has actually been one to two months since i had a puff.
But on the night of Easter Vigil,
I broke the promise i made.
I'm just so tired and my craving is getting worse.
I'll start again and this time i will not quit.
& I'd have higher chance of dying. Cause that's what everyone wants right? For me to disappear...

Another one of my poems.

As I'm standing in the rain
Drenched from head to toe,
I lick the water on my lips.
Isn't rainwater supposed to taste like fresh water?
So why oh why do i taste saltiness,
That lingers on the tip of my tongue?
Then i realise that the drops are actually tear drops from my eyes.
I can no longer take the weight on my shoulders,
I'm not able to go on this journey.
I have never felt this lonely before,
I have never been so cold.
But as i feel the rain pouring over me,
I start to feel numb.
I close my eyes and say my last few words.
I thank god for giving me this life,
Because nobody else deserves to go through what I have gone though.

Broken heart again, another lesson learnt.

It's Asyiqin's birthday tomorrow and i drew an Elephant for her cause she likes elephants. Haha. I'd show....... the picture i took of it cause she's always supporting me no matter how ugly my stuff are... But guess what we are like strangers now and she texted me today and asked if i was angry with her. Wtf much.
Ps. I have loads of crap i want to say but no I'm way too tired to type out anything anymore. Goodnight.

I.I.L.W.M.N.

The day when i lost my heart was the day i lost my mind too. Everything seems so dull. I've lost my happiness once again. Tell me how do i fix this cause there seems to be no way. Tell me how do i win your heart cause i haven't got a clue. God, just give us a chance. I know she's the one for me and i'll be the one for her. Maybe then my happiness will return.

I miss talking, i hate how i have no one to talk to anymore. It hurts so badly. I hate this.

My 11:11 wish

好心没好报。

Longlong day today, glad monday's over... This morning i was woken up by thunders and it was weird cause, it wasn't raining. I totally regret when i looked out the window cause there were lightning almost every 5 seconds. When the rain came, my bed became more inviting and i had to take a lot of effort just to get out of bed. The rain quickly changed to a storm and i became high~ Haha. All i was thinking about when i was in the car was dancing in the rain. Sadly i didn't.
School was okay today i guess... Ms N placed me in the first group of practical so my N levels practical is next week! Zomg.
After school, Gen, Claire, Shenna, Simran and i went to parkway for lunch. We at KFC and then Sougurt. Gen and i shared a cup. Hahaha. After Shenna, Simran and Claire left for tuition, Gen and I went back to pp to shop. I needed to get ingredients and Gen wanted to get some stuff for Leroy. We had a really good time lol.
I reached home at 545, had a quick shower and started to prepare dinner already. I took exactly 2 hrs to cook and serve so i'm pretty worried cause i only cooked 2 dishes out of the 4 i need to cook for practical. Dinner was served at 8. Everything was fine, everybody was eating happily when my Mum started talking about my food... And in the end everybody got upset, the mood was totally ruined and now i don't plan to talk to her at all.. I don't even want to cook anymore. Instead of appreciating, i was reprimanded and criticized. I didn't even get to rest when i came home and it's been 14 hours since i lied on my bed. Not one single thank you from my Mum.. But nevermind, at least everyone else said dinner was good.
I saw ..........'s message about her injuring her toe and i'm worried but idk... I haven't talked to anyone for a while and idk if it's a good thing or not. Forget it, i was born alone into this world, i'm gonna die alone too.

Ps. This is what i cooked, pineapple fried rice and cream of mushroom soup.

I'm so disappointed. Is like i don't even know who my family is anymore.
When they need me then they come to me. When they are lonely they come to me for company, but when they aren't, they forget about me and just leave me alone. What am i to them? When they need something, i have to get it for them. If i say no they have all the fucking rights to be angry with me. Kcan. If i ever ask them to get me something i can bet with you a 100 bucks that they'll say no. I want to change my name to slave or maybe dog? Or how about if i just have no name. Nobody treat me like a human anyway.