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Just reached home. So tired. Pink dot was just okay. Kumar was so cute... Hahaha though there were 15000 people there, I didn't like anyone. I just kept thinking about her. Sigh. Okay goodnight

Stickman exercising on my hand. Haha.

You and me?

I like her, a lot. Was devastated at first when I thought she left without me. But somehow something made me stay behind, and then she appeared. 10 minutes was all I had with her, but that was enough. I know I'm going down a wrong path, I know she doesn't feel the way I feel about her. But what can I do when my heart aches for her everytime I don't see her? I can't help it. So love me please,

Sigh

You have no idea.

You may think I'm being difficult and maybe unreasonable but just wait. One day you'll know why.

Sick

It's 3:50ish in the morning. Surprisingly both my brother and sister are still awake. I'm really tired, I can actually feel my body getting heavier every minute. I'm having a fever, my body's so hot I'm perspiring, my nose is having mood swing, one minute it's blocked, the other minute it leaks non stop. My dustbin is filled with tissue. My eyes are itchy and watery.. I'm feeling horrible and I don't know what to do. I want a nice cup of hot chocolate, but my legs are so heavy I don't think I'll be able to make it downstairs. Oh great there's water coming out from everywhere... and I just stained my bed. I think there is something wrong with me. I can feel a headache coming, I'm so sleepy. Decided to sleep downstairs since my bed's dirty ( tried my best to clean but the best way is to change my bedsheet I'll do that tmr ) and I don't really want to disturb my sister with my random sneezing. I feel like shit. Help me please

What's the point?

Told myself not to trust anyone. So how the fuck did I end up telling you everything?
I'm tired. I'm done.. Living my life as if I'm dead.

I can't

I can't do this.
I can't hold on any longer.
I can't keep bottling everything.
I can't keep pretending.
I can't keep dragging this.
I can't be happy.
I can't say anything correctly.
I can't do anything right.

But I can end all this.

Don't have a say in anything

Have you ever felt like it was the end of your world and all you could do was watch it crumble down? How is it that every single thing in my life isn't working out? If I actually was a bad person, maybe I'd blame it on karma. But I'm not, I don't steal, I don't kill.. I mean I try to be good, but nothing ever seems to be good enough.

Just a rough sketch for my sis

The ballerina

The frightened ballerina, standing on her toes stood behind the curtain in a dainty pose. Having practiced faithfully hour after hour, inside her heart was pounding. Outside her muscled power overcame her fear. The overture now playing, each note was in her ear. And as the curtain opened it took away her fear. The stage, the lights became her love.Each pirouette and leap took her way above into a different sphere. The audience, mesmerized, intent on every motion, appreciation on their faces showed deep emotion. And as the music ended she took her final bow.No longer was she frightened, in fact emboldened now. She knew why she was here. To dance, to dance at every given chance. To hear the applause and hear them call her name. And so the ballerina standing on her toes so graceful and dainty is awed as she does hear. 'Bravo, bravo,bravo, my dear.'

Edwina Reize

I hate this

Lotte world

Spent the whole day at lotte world. Best day in Korea.

One word, why?

and then suddenly, for no apparent reason, everything started to fall apart.

Hurt

How is it I don't feel like I'm a part of this family? If I don't belong here, then where do I belong? Who am I? Do you know how pain it is when you're not welcomed anywhere? Not even to people you call family. If only I could run, run and never return.

You promised.

Have you forgotten what you said to me?

Yawn.

I'm so tired. I feel so nauseous, I can actually puke right now. Everyday a part of me disappears, my energy level gets lower and lower. It's like there's a leech stuck on me, sucking the life out of me. This is exhausting, my body and mind's fucked. I'm fucked.

Soon

I'm falling to pieces

Went to school today. Mr Faizal didn't even look at my letter when I gave it to him. Had 3 period with Ms n in the morning, couldn't stop looking at her. The day was slow and boring, have been having a headache since this morning. Cut my hair after school, since then everybody who has seen my new haircut has been criticizing it. I guess I don't blame them, even my brother and sister says it's ugly. My appearance is ugly, my personality is ugly, I guess it fits. Feeling so hopeless and useless, as usual.

Hard

Don't know why things have to be so damn difficult. Nobody wants to fucking help, everyone just cares about their fucking self.

My vampire girl

This is what happens when I'm just in a bad mood, nothing comes out well.

Ps. It actually looks a lot better real life.

Numb

All this shit's happening again. So fucking tired man. Just not gonna give a shit anymore. All you fuckers out there that like to see me hurt, come. Give me all you got. Sigh cause I don't feel anything anymore, cause I don't want to feel anything.

Losing hope

I thought things were getting better, I thought finally my dark days are over. I guess I thought wrong.
I had a long day today, I don't know why I'm still not getting enough sleep, eventhough it's the weekends. I had to wake up early today cause I was forced to go to church, so imagine my state of cranky-ness this morning. It has actually been about 5 weeks or more since I went to St Stephens... And mass wasn't exactly enjoying, it was pretty disappointing actually. I kinda want to change church, maybe go to Queen of peace or something..
I spent the afternoon reading and i made a card for my church friend, Ruth. I actually started reading a new book that elnatureq lend to me, and I finished it in about 2/3 hours? Cool shit. Though I didn't take a picture of the card I made, I still liked it..
I was supposed to go with Gen to Emdd, but both of us weren't free so instead I met up with my church friends. I had a lot of fun, I miss them so much. We had an early dinner at Hot tomato. Dinner was good and funny. Halfway while we were eating,one of them went off to get a cake and we started singing a birthday song for Ruth. I think she was in a state of shock for a minute, hahaha. After dinner, we decided to catch a movie since it was still so early, and I meant really early like 6. We wanted to watch men in black 3 but it was full so we watched What to expect when you're expecting. It was funny and good. I don't mind watching it again. I love my church friends, they accept me, they are true friends and that's all I ever ask for. Jonas even wanted to walk me home, but I convinced him to go home after walking with me halfway. I spent about 40bucks today and I'm really disappointed...
I know my day doesn't sound bad at all but I wish to just not talk about the bad part. I was really hoping I could see ....... today, my phone died on me and even then I still wished she could somehow sensed that there was something wrong and wait for me till I get back. But nevermind it's too late anyway. Losing hope all over again, i don't want to be like that. Goodnight.

Me

Zebra

What i did today.. Took photos for Ms H's birthday present. Drew, long board, and completed the story game for Call of duty, and met Ms h. Don't know why my mood's really weird now. I'm very tired, and a little upset. I don't know why.. Okay goodnight.

Oh and by the way, this is what I drew.

Too tired to give up.

Trying not to give up. Today's been a bad day, held my tears back in school. To those who are responsible for making my life so miserable, one day you'll see that you are the cause of the future me. I'm going to be happy, I'm going to be successful. I just have to deal with these stuff just for awhile more. Just a few more months and I'll be out of KC. No more fake friends, No more drama, No more heartbreaks, No more of anything. I just have to work really hard now, I have to. I just got to forget about everything, not let anything/anyone bring me down. I'm going to forget about being unhappy for now. I need this. Goodnight.

Ps. Meet my cutie pie, Gemma.

Ps. Gonna dress like that on Halloween, k still long time more, have to maintain. Hahaha.

Try making the first fucking move yeah?

Why is time passing so slow this week? Well at least tomorrow's the last day of school. School was actually fun today, apart from spending the whole morning watching a movie called 'The Lady' (and it was good), I scratched people... I'm a cat/dinosaur/monkey. K lol I'm weird. Hahahaha. And eventhough Ms T let us watch the show during chem, she kinda pissed me off still. Like what the fuck is her problem, so annoying. Already decided to just leave her alone, let her be. She wants to be like that, I'll be like this. After school, we got bubble tea before we headed home. Long story cut short, I spent the rest of the day with Ms H. Had a good time. Now I need a good rest, exhausted and dying. Hahaha I have this feeling it's gonna rain tonight or maybe tomorrow morning, whatever it doesn't matter to me as long as I'm not disturbed. Okay, goodnight.

Say a little prayer

Today I didn't pray at all, even prayers during school time. But tonight the only person I'll be praying for is Ms T's Dad. I hate her now, but I can't see her so worried and hurt. I just want him to get well, I want him to be okay. I want her to be okay. Just let him be better please, I'll take over his place, I don't mind. I just want her to be happy.

Shagged

It's been a long day, want to talk about it but I'm so tired. I really really want to sleep and I hope I will soon. The only person that pissed me off today was Ms t. Fucking disappointed with her, I want to end all ties with her. So tired.... Goodnight

Broken

Look at me when I'm talking to you, you looking at me but I'm looking through you. I see the blood in your eyes, I see the love in disguise. I see the pain hidden in your pride, I see you're not satisfied.

Happy,

Decided to blog since I'm waiting for my Xbox to update. Today's been a good day for me. Eventhough school was really boring at some parts, I survived it. 2 days down 3 more to go, not even including my structured lessons. Sigh. The more I think about hanging out less with Gen and Claire, the more I actually want to do it. Both of them didn't come to school today, and I didn't get pissed with anything. Although i don't want to hang out with them anymore, that doesn't mean they're not good friends. I mean I love them to bits, and we've known each other for five years. They are awesome but I guess I just need to sober up and start studying. I don't want them to disrupt this plan.
Omgomg, someone decided to give me a part of everything today : ) She gave me a shuffle and an Xbox game, 360 Call of duty(MW3). My gawd, both items are awesome they practically blew my mind away. Heh Heh. Already tried out the game, and it's just great. Hahaha. So I don't really mind the pain I've been feeling the whole day, it's worth it (: A big shout out to Ms Hafie, THANK YOU SO MUCH, ILUVYOU!
I just got blamed for something I think I didn't do. I should be pissed but that's okay. I'm just thinking about my game, I want to continue playing but I can't. I need to sleep early tonight, I'm so tired and my head's killing me. I'm happy, and it's been so long since I felt like this.
I know I should be contended but I can't help but think of Ms t and Ms n... Seriously, should I just let both go? I mean I have Ms h, and I kinda just need to concentrate on my studies too. I don't know.

You got that smile that can light up my world

I'm an animal

I want this week to pass quickly.
Today was pretty much a waste of time, I'm sure tmr will be too. So many things have happened over the past few days;
-Stopped talking to Ms t. I miss her so much, I really hate this bittersweet relationship. I want to tell her that I miss her but it's probably useless...
-Started talking to Ms h. I don't know what happened and why we started again, but I don't really care. As long as we're fine, then forget about the past. You know it's cute how she just agrees to whatever I ask. Haha. Just yesterday I was shopping online and now I've a whole list of stuff in my cart that I want to buy. She actually asked me what I was looking at and what I wanted but I didn't tell her. She just has to wait till I buy it first, heh heh. I'm happy that we're talking again, I really hope she is too.
-My health and body system seem to be failing badly. I'm scared, I don't know why am I like that. I don't know what to do. And I just got my red sea today, so the cramps aren't exactly helping. My last stick was on Saturday night, so I'm a little cranky but I cannot get addicted so I just have to be patient. I have a craving for cutting now, but I know I can't too. I can't do this, I can't do that..

I'm so tired, but yet I'm so excited. Can't stop thinking cause someone said she'll buy me everything. And she actually asked if that was everything, hahaha. If that someone is reading this right now, you better hurry get everything before I go crazy. Hahaha. Shall bond with my Xbox now before I sleep. I really want to talk to N, but I can't, probably never will. I'm an animal watch me rawr. RAWR, I guess I lost it. Goodnight to people out there that's gonna sleep with a heavy heart tonight. Tomorrow's a new day, things will get better.

You don't know a thing about me

You pestered me to let you see my blog. And when I finally did show you a few posts, you fucking judged me. Just because I tell you stuff and we text and all, doesn't mean you know me. You know I don't like telling anybody how I feel. Sometimes when you sense that I'm in a bad mood you ask about my day, and I tell you about it. But that's just the fucking good part, even the 'bad' that I may have told you is not even near what really was wrong. You don't fucking know a thing about me, so don't even dare try to fucking judge me. You obviously don't give a shit about me, you just think I'm plain negative and emo. And you fucking think that I choose to be like that. Your words have not only offended me, i'm pissed off, disappointed and most probably hurt. It's because of people like you that I decided to keep everything to myself, to not show my blog to people. You want to know what actual hurt me the most? Is to think that you would care? Cause you always tell me you want to be there for me. The posts you chose were all about my life in danger, but did you ever ask about me? Not one word of concern, nothing. Thanks for everything but I've had enough of you. Yes I love you but I actually like other people too, so you're not fucking special. You have so many flaws and I can't accept that, I don't like it.

Sigh,

Wow today has been a really bad day. Like what the fuck lah please. Woke up this morning but I went back to sleep, in the end I overslept. I know I shouldn't be blaming anything else except myself. But seriously if traffic wasn't so fucked up, I'd be on time.. In the end I was late for school. I got back English, F&N, Bio and social studies today. Pretty happy with my results overall. I didn't do as badly as expected for f&n.. But happy also for what, she didn't even look at me at all today. Actually can't wait to get my overall result slip.. Everything's been so fucked up today except for my results. So I'm just trying to think about that. After school, I had DC and that bitch Mrs g decided to give me 2hrs of DC when she didn't even talk to me. I don't know what happened next, Ms tan came and I told her to save me. So cute. In the end she claimed me and we spent that 2 hours doing some Spca stuff that she had to do. Though we're not talking now, I totally appreaciate what she did for me this afternoon. I hate how our relationship is so bitter sweet. One minute, we are so tight nothing can break us apart. The next minute, we're not talking. But what she said just now was so fucked up i plan to stop talking to her. I don't know why I keep pushing people away. Nevermind I'm gonna shut it. I'm so tired, gonna have to wake up early tomorrow. I have so much crap to let out but I think I've said enough. And I'm too tired to type anymore. Goodnight.

Imma fucking materialistic girl.

I'm going to try my best to get everything on this list. Sigh. Obviously there are more stuff that I want, but if I got all these I'd be ecstatic.

Clothes!! Please, especially tank tops and boxers and everything else.


Tongue studs. I really like those with words.



Helmet. What I think I need, haha


IPod shuffle.. Hate carrying two phones around :/


Xbox 360 games. Though these aren't the ones I want.

Seeing things differently.

Feeling weak and tired. I don't know what's wrong. My body's so warm, and usually it'll just last for awhile but ever since I got home I've been burning up.. My chest's hurting again. I'm tired and my sleeping problem has worsen.. I'm starving but I ate so little for dinner. I don't know what to do..


I had an okay day today in school. Got back my lit, chinese and chem papers. Though I wasn't expecting anything at all, I was pretty disappointed with my lit marks. There isn't much to study and lit has always been an okay subject for me.. I passed but, I just felt a little upset. Everyone did so much better than me, even those who always fail surprisingly scored higher. Omg you'll never guess what happened during Chinese... I FREAKING PASSED, AS IN SERIOUSLY PASSED. Everyone was happy for me, even Lao shi. She praised me, and I really really was happy when she did. I really am happy for my Chinese. For chem I failed but I got 22/50. And I didn't even study, like I was expecting a 9 or 10... So I'm pretty satisfied with my results so far, hope tomorrow will be the same. Going out to get drinks for me and my sister, most probably gonna get coffee/mocha for myself as a treat. Tomorrow morning, it's just going to be me, my coffee and a stick. Best combination ever. I guess everything's different now. I can sense my different attitude, at least I'll be safe. I miss N so much, and it hurts more than the cuts and bruises on my body. She crushed me that day, and I don't know if I can even think about it again. Forget it, new me, new attitude yeah? Peace out

Crash and burn

Today was really okay, but why was I so foolish to think that everything would stay that way. But I don't feel like talking about what happened. I just hate how things had to end like that.
I just had an attack not long ago and I'm glad it's over now, I thought I was going to die. I guessed I drank too much plus I smoked too. Usually when I do both on the same day means I either was partying or I'm severely damaged. There wasn't a party today so yeah.. I was in so much pain just now, I just wanted to stop doing everything and just lie on the floor... But at least that's over and now I'm having a really bad headache, not surprised if I get a hangover tomorrow. Not looking forward to school, just want the June holidays to come.
I'm so tired, I think I'm really running out of battery. I kinda want to cut myself before I go to sleep though. I don't know if I'm just talking cock now, yeah maybe I am. I mean I know I'm going crazy, so yeah.. I reek of alcohol and smoke but I don't give a fuck, I like this smell. Just read from somewhere that teenagers that smoke, drink and eat junk food are most likely to be unhappy. True dat. But what to do? There's only these left that make me better.

You're in my mind like a song on a radio

It's fucking 6 in the morning and I haven't slept at all. First it was hot, then the musquitoes decided to suck half my legs away. Then lightning came and then the storm. The heavy rain and loud thunder freaked my dog. And I felt so pissed cause I couldn't sleep. I didn't know which was more annoying, the freaking bright lightnings and loud thunders or my dog who kept barking non-stop. I know it wasn't his fault. I actually went downstairs and sat with him for awhile, and it was so cold, and scary.. No wonder he kept barking. The rain has stopped but I can still hear thunder rumbling from a distance. But there's still lighting and they have become so bright, I think I may need some shades... So so tired, everything seems to be hurting. My chest, my head, my eyes, my stomach.

Now I'm even having difficulties trying to escape from reality. Can't sleep, Can't eat. What the fuck do I do then? At least I still have sticks and I draw whenever I have the time. Last weekend, when I was supposed to be studying for my last paper, food and nutrition, I drew instead. I kinda fucking regret changing my subjects. I hate how I can't cook and the theory's just bullshit to me. And I hate how I met her and got my heart broken many times. But what's worst is I hate how much I love drawing, and sketching and painting and every fucking thing that relates to art. I hate how I like to dress up with matching colours, I hate to look at paintings and have so many opinions about it. I hate all these so much cause I don't have the talent. Everything I love, I don't seem to deserve.

Suicide

Ending your life is a very powerful thing. a very intense thing. a very passionate thing. You have to really feel strongly to take a life away - let alone your own, but before you start judging, before you start trying to understand, before you start missing me, before you start grieving, before you start accepting. Know this, know that you are not me. You are not in my shoes and you have no idea what it is like to be me. That’s not saying anything specific. that’s stating a fact. These thoughts have been around lately, not good. Shall use up my remaining sticks tomorrow, maybe that'll calm my fucked up mind for awhile.