Yawn.

I'm so tired. I feel so nauseous, I can actually puke right now. Everyday a part of me disappears, my energy level gets lower and lower. It's like there's a leech stuck on me, sucking the life out of me. This is exhausting, my body and mind's fucked. I'm fucked.

Soon

I'm falling to pieces

Went to school today. Mr Faizal didn't even look at my letter when I gave it to him. Had 3 period with Ms n in the morning, couldn't stop looking at her. The day was slow and boring, have been having a headache since this morning. Cut my hair after school, since then everybody who has seen my new haircut has been criticizing it. I guess I don't blame them, even my brother and sister says it's ugly. My appearance is ugly, my personality is ugly, I guess it fits. Feeling so hopeless and useless, as usual.

Hard

Don't know why things have to be so damn difficult. Nobody wants to fucking help, everyone just cares about their fucking self.

My vampire girl

This is what happens when I'm just in a bad mood, nothing comes out well.

Ps. It actually looks a lot better real life.

Numb

All this shit's happening again. So fucking tired man. Just not gonna give a shit anymore. All you fuckers out there that like to see me hurt, come. Give me all you got. Sigh cause I don't feel anything anymore, cause I don't want to feel anything.

Losing hope

I thought things were getting better, I thought finally my dark days are over. I guess I thought wrong.
I had a long day today, I don't know why I'm still not getting enough sleep, eventhough it's the weekends. I had to wake up early today cause I was forced to go to church, so imagine my state of cranky-ness this morning. It has actually been about 5 weeks or more since I went to St Stephens... And mass wasn't exactly enjoying, it was pretty disappointing actually. I kinda want to change church, maybe go to Queen of peace or something..
I spent the afternoon reading and i made a card for my church friend, Ruth. I actually started reading a new book that elnatureq lend to me, and I finished it in about 2/3 hours? Cool shit. Though I didn't take a picture of the card I made, I still liked it..
I was supposed to go with Gen to Emdd, but both of us weren't free so instead I met up with my church friends. I had a lot of fun, I miss them so much. We had an early dinner at Hot tomato. Dinner was good and funny. Halfway while we were eating,one of them went off to get a cake and we started singing a birthday song for Ruth. I think she was in a state of shock for a minute, hahaha. After dinner, we decided to catch a movie since it was still so early, and I meant really early like 6. We wanted to watch men in black 3 but it was full so we watched What to expect when you're expecting. It was funny and good. I don't mind watching it again. I love my church friends, they accept me, they are true friends and that's all I ever ask for. Jonas even wanted to walk me home, but I convinced him to go home after walking with me halfway. I spent about 40bucks today and I'm really disappointed...
I know my day doesn't sound bad at all but I wish to just not talk about the bad part. I was really hoping I could see ....... today, my phone died on me and even then I still wished she could somehow sensed that there was something wrong and wait for me till I get back. But nevermind it's too late anyway. Losing hope all over again, i don't want to be like that. Goodnight.

Me

Zebra

What i did today.. Took photos for Ms H's birthday present. Drew, long board, and completed the story game for Call of duty, and met Ms h. Don't know why my mood's really weird now. I'm very tired, and a little upset. I don't know why.. Okay goodnight.

Oh and by the way, this is what I drew.

Too tired to give up.

Trying not to give up. Today's been a bad day, held my tears back in school. To those who are responsible for making my life so miserable, one day you'll see that you are the cause of the future me. I'm going to be happy, I'm going to be successful. I just have to deal with these stuff just for awhile more. Just a few more months and I'll be out of KC. No more fake friends, No more drama, No more heartbreaks, No more of anything. I just have to work really hard now, I have to. I just got to forget about everything, not let anything/anyone bring me down. I'm going to forget about being unhappy for now. I need this. Goodnight.

Ps. Meet my cutie pie, Gemma.

Ps. Gonna dress like that on Halloween, k still long time more, have to maintain. Hahaha.

Try making the first fucking move yeah?

Why is time passing so slow this week? Well at least tomorrow's the last day of school. School was actually fun today, apart from spending the whole morning watching a movie called 'The Lady' (and it was good), I scratched people... I'm a cat/dinosaur/monkey. K lol I'm weird. Hahahaha. And eventhough Ms T let us watch the show during chem, she kinda pissed me off still. Like what the fuck is her problem, so annoying. Already decided to just leave her alone, let her be. She wants to be like that, I'll be like this. After school, we got bubble tea before we headed home. Long story cut short, I spent the rest of the day with Ms H. Had a good time. Now I need a good rest, exhausted and dying. Hahaha I have this feeling it's gonna rain tonight or maybe tomorrow morning, whatever it doesn't matter to me as long as I'm not disturbed. Okay, goodnight.

Say a little prayer

Today I didn't pray at all, even prayers during school time. But tonight the only person I'll be praying for is Ms T's Dad. I hate her now, but I can't see her so worried and hurt. I just want him to get well, I want him to be okay. I want her to be okay. Just let him be better please, I'll take over his place, I don't mind. I just want her to be happy.

Shagged

It's been a long day, want to talk about it but I'm so tired. I really really want to sleep and I hope I will soon. The only person that pissed me off today was Ms t. Fucking disappointed with her, I want to end all ties with her. So tired.... Goodnight

Broken

Look at me when I'm talking to you, you looking at me but I'm looking through you. I see the blood in your eyes, I see the love in disguise. I see the pain hidden in your pride, I see you're not satisfied.

Happy,

Decided to blog since I'm waiting for my Xbox to update. Today's been a good day for me. Eventhough school was really boring at some parts, I survived it. 2 days down 3 more to go, not even including my structured lessons. Sigh. The more I think about hanging out less with Gen and Claire, the more I actually want to do it. Both of them didn't come to school today, and I didn't get pissed with anything. Although i don't want to hang out with them anymore, that doesn't mean they're not good friends. I mean I love them to bits, and we've known each other for five years. They are awesome but I guess I just need to sober up and start studying. I don't want them to disrupt this plan.
Omgomg, someone decided to give me a part of everything today : ) She gave me a shuffle and an Xbox game, 360 Call of duty(MW3). My gawd, both items are awesome they practically blew my mind away. Heh Heh. Already tried out the game, and it's just great. Hahaha. So I don't really mind the pain I've been feeling the whole day, it's worth it (: A big shout out to Ms Hafie, THANK YOU SO MUCH, ILUVYOU!
I just got blamed for something I think I didn't do. I should be pissed but that's okay. I'm just thinking about my game, I want to continue playing but I can't. I need to sleep early tonight, I'm so tired and my head's killing me. I'm happy, and it's been so long since I felt like this.
I know I should be contended but I can't help but think of Ms t and Ms n... Seriously, should I just let both go? I mean I have Ms h, and I kinda just need to concentrate on my studies too. I don't know.

You got that smile that can light up my world

I'm an animal

I want this week to pass quickly.
Today was pretty much a waste of time, I'm sure tmr will be too. So many things have happened over the past few days;
-Stopped talking to Ms t. I miss her so much, I really hate this bittersweet relationship. I want to tell her that I miss her but it's probably useless...
-Started talking to Ms h. I don't know what happened and why we started again, but I don't really care. As long as we're fine, then forget about the past. You know it's cute how she just agrees to whatever I ask. Haha. Just yesterday I was shopping online and now I've a whole list of stuff in my cart that I want to buy. She actually asked me what I was looking at and what I wanted but I didn't tell her. She just has to wait till I buy it first, heh heh. I'm happy that we're talking again, I really hope she is too.
-My health and body system seem to be failing badly. I'm scared, I don't know why am I like that. I don't know what to do. And I just got my red sea today, so the cramps aren't exactly helping. My last stick was on Saturday night, so I'm a little cranky but I cannot get addicted so I just have to be patient. I have a craving for cutting now, but I know I can't too. I can't do this, I can't do that..

I'm so tired, but yet I'm so excited. Can't stop thinking cause someone said she'll buy me everything. And she actually asked if that was everything, hahaha. If that someone is reading this right now, you better hurry get everything before I go crazy. Hahaha. Shall bond with my Xbox now before I sleep. I really want to talk to N, but I can't, probably never will. I'm an animal watch me rawr. RAWR, I guess I lost it. Goodnight to people out there that's gonna sleep with a heavy heart tonight. Tomorrow's a new day, things will get better.

You don't know a thing about me

You pestered me to let you see my blog. And when I finally did show you a few posts, you fucking judged me. Just because I tell you stuff and we text and all, doesn't mean you know me. You know I don't like telling anybody how I feel. Sometimes when you sense that I'm in a bad mood you ask about my day, and I tell you about it. But that's just the fucking good part, even the 'bad' that I may have told you is not even near what really was wrong. You don't fucking know a thing about me, so don't even dare try to fucking judge me. You obviously don't give a shit about me, you just think I'm plain negative and emo. And you fucking think that I choose to be like that. Your words have not only offended me, i'm pissed off, disappointed and most probably hurt. It's because of people like you that I decided to keep everything to myself, to not show my blog to people. You want to know what actual hurt me the most? Is to think that you would care? Cause you always tell me you want to be there for me. The posts you chose were all about my life in danger, but did you ever ask about me? Not one word of concern, nothing. Thanks for everything but I've had enough of you. Yes I love you but I actually like other people too, so you're not fucking special. You have so many flaws and I can't accept that, I don't like it.

Sigh,

Wow today has been a really bad day. Like what the fuck lah please. Woke up this morning but I went back to sleep, in the end I overslept. I know I shouldn't be blaming anything else except myself. But seriously if traffic wasn't so fucked up, I'd be on time.. In the end I was late for school. I got back English, F&N, Bio and social studies today. Pretty happy with my results overall. I didn't do as badly as expected for f&n.. But happy also for what, she didn't even look at me at all today. Actually can't wait to get my overall result slip.. Everything's been so fucked up today except for my results. So I'm just trying to think about that. After school, I had DC and that bitch Mrs g decided to give me 2hrs of DC when she didn't even talk to me. I don't know what happened next, Ms tan came and I told her to save me. So cute. In the end she claimed me and we spent that 2 hours doing some Spca stuff that she had to do. Though we're not talking now, I totally appreaciate what she did for me this afternoon. I hate how our relationship is so bitter sweet. One minute, we are so tight nothing can break us apart. The next minute, we're not talking. But what she said just now was so fucked up i plan to stop talking to her. I don't know why I keep pushing people away. Nevermind I'm gonna shut it. I'm so tired, gonna have to wake up early tomorrow. I have so much crap to let out but I think I've said enough. And I'm too tired to type anymore. Goodnight.

Imma fucking materialistic girl.

I'm going to try my best to get everything on this list. Sigh. Obviously there are more stuff that I want, but if I got all these I'd be ecstatic.

Clothes!! Please, especially tank tops and boxers and everything else.


Tongue studs. I really like those with words.



Helmet. What I think I need, haha


IPod shuffle.. Hate carrying two phones around :/


Xbox 360 games. Though these aren't the ones I want.

Seeing things differently.

Feeling weak and tired. I don't know what's wrong. My body's so warm, and usually it'll just last for awhile but ever since I got home I've been burning up.. My chest's hurting again. I'm tired and my sleeping problem has worsen.. I'm starving but I ate so little for dinner. I don't know what to do..


I had an okay day today in school. Got back my lit, chinese and chem papers. Though I wasn't expecting anything at all, I was pretty disappointed with my lit marks. There isn't much to study and lit has always been an okay subject for me.. I passed but, I just felt a little upset. Everyone did so much better than me, even those who always fail surprisingly scored higher. Omg you'll never guess what happened during Chinese... I FREAKING PASSED, AS IN SERIOUSLY PASSED. Everyone was happy for me, even Lao shi. She praised me, and I really really was happy when she did. I really am happy for my Chinese. For chem I failed but I got 22/50. And I didn't even study, like I was expecting a 9 or 10... So I'm pretty satisfied with my results so far, hope tomorrow will be the same. Going out to get drinks for me and my sister, most probably gonna get coffee/mocha for myself as a treat. Tomorrow morning, it's just going to be me, my coffee and a stick. Best combination ever. I guess everything's different now. I can sense my different attitude, at least I'll be safe. I miss N so much, and it hurts more than the cuts and bruises on my body. She crushed me that day, and I don't know if I can even think about it again. Forget it, new me, new attitude yeah? Peace out

Crash and burn

Today was really okay, but why was I so foolish to think that everything would stay that way. But I don't feel like talking about what happened. I just hate how things had to end like that.
I just had an attack not long ago and I'm glad it's over now, I thought I was going to die. I guessed I drank too much plus I smoked too. Usually when I do both on the same day means I either was partying or I'm severely damaged. There wasn't a party today so yeah.. I was in so much pain just now, I just wanted to stop doing everything and just lie on the floor... But at least that's over and now I'm having a really bad headache, not surprised if I get a hangover tomorrow. Not looking forward to school, just want the June holidays to come.
I'm so tired, I think I'm really running out of battery. I kinda want to cut myself before I go to sleep though. I don't know if I'm just talking cock now, yeah maybe I am. I mean I know I'm going crazy, so yeah.. I reek of alcohol and smoke but I don't give a fuck, I like this smell. Just read from somewhere that teenagers that smoke, drink and eat junk food are most likely to be unhappy. True dat. But what to do? There's only these left that make me better.

You're in my mind like a song on a radio

It's fucking 6 in the morning and I haven't slept at all. First it was hot, then the musquitoes decided to suck half my legs away. Then lightning came and then the storm. The heavy rain and loud thunder freaked my dog. And I felt so pissed cause I couldn't sleep. I didn't know which was more annoying, the freaking bright lightnings and loud thunders or my dog who kept barking non-stop. I know it wasn't his fault. I actually went downstairs and sat with him for awhile, and it was so cold, and scary.. No wonder he kept barking. The rain has stopped but I can still hear thunder rumbling from a distance. But there's still lighting and they have become so bright, I think I may need some shades... So so tired, everything seems to be hurting. My chest, my head, my eyes, my stomach.

Now I'm even having difficulties trying to escape from reality. Can't sleep, Can't eat. What the fuck do I do then? At least I still have sticks and I draw whenever I have the time. Last weekend, when I was supposed to be studying for my last paper, food and nutrition, I drew instead. I kinda fucking regret changing my subjects. I hate how I can't cook and the theory's just bullshit to me. And I hate how I met her and got my heart broken many times. But what's worst is I hate how much I love drawing, and sketching and painting and every fucking thing that relates to art. I hate how I like to dress up with matching colours, I hate to look at paintings and have so many opinions about it. I hate all these so much cause I don't have the talent. Everything I love, I don't seem to deserve.

Suicide

Ending your life is a very powerful thing. a very intense thing. a very passionate thing. You have to really feel strongly to take a life away - let alone your own, but before you start judging, before you start trying to understand, before you start missing me, before you start grieving, before you start accepting. Know this, know that you are not me. You are not in my shoes and you have no idea what it is like to be me. That’s not saying anything specific. that’s stating a fact. These thoughts have been around lately, not good. Shall use up my remaining sticks tomorrow, maybe that'll calm my fucked up mind for awhile.

Why I smoke

I smoke to prolong my life. Yes, you heard me right, prolong. You see, smoking calms me down. Every time I get the feeling like I’m going to slice myself to pieces out of hatred for myself until there’s nothing left, I smoke. Every time I get the urge to take one of my dad’s guns and blow my brains against the wall, I smoke. Every time I start getting my saved up pills together to take all at once, I smoke. In the years it takes me to get lung cancer I will have stopped myself from destruction many of times. To me, smoking is the safer option. And smoking doesn’t fix it entirely, I’m not claiming that. I’m just saying it makes it manageable. And that’s all I need right now.

Nothing matters anymore.

Don't want to talk about anything anymore. Just see the tears in my eyes then maybe you'll know that this time it's for real. Pushing everyone away, shutting out from life. I'm a wreck. My heart's probably going to need a surgery. Everything's broken, promises, my trust, my body. I don't know how long more... I don't know.

Please

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please be a better day tmr please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please

Drained

Everyday is a struggle for me. I can't keep on pretending.

It's just me against the world for now.

Not gonna blog for the time being cause I don't want some people to use this against me.

To the one I got away from.

I'm walking away from this, I'm walking away from you. I pretty much hate you, I hate you for making me feel worse. Having a headache and most probably gonna have an attack soon. I hope you're happy. That 30mins talk is gonna be the last conversation with you. Thanks for everything.

Doctor who?

So dinner was good today, I liked almost all of the dishes. But what sucked was how I ate very little. It sucks to have good food infront of you but not having the appetite to eat. Lately I've been taking a long time to leave the wet kitchen after mealtimes. I haven't been able to finish my meal everytime I eat. And if I stare at my food for too long, I'd feel like puking. Food has always been my primary 'cheer up' medicine. And now my body decides to do this to me.
People always tell me that I'm so skinny and I look so healthy and fit. I too like to show off my hard stomach but in actual fact, all these are just bullshit.
It's so easy to make me fall, just a slight push and I'd look as if a truck has just knocked me down.. I guess I'm light? Oh and I'm as fragile as a kitty... I bruise easily, get cuts and then scars. But I like to fight still. I love how I can fight easily and anywhere. Even though i go to a girls school where the girls' worses fights are verbally, I still can get new bruises everyday.
You know how breathing is like the most normal thing you can do right, not for me. Every breath I take I'd have to suck in the most my lung can take in. So imagine you breathe every second, and I have to basically use up a lot of energy just to breathe. Yeah that pretty much sucks.
So recently I have started smoking all over again, and I guess that's how I'm able to control my emotions better. But yeah the side effects are pretty much toxic to me. I can't exert too much energy cause I'd run out of breath. And I wouldn't be able to breathe. And everytime my heart pumps faster due to different reasons (running, shouting, anything that needs a little more energy than usual) my chest would hurt, I can even feel my heart burning. It's scary. And now I'm scared to longboard anymore cause it hurt a lot yesterday when I went boarding.
I can't do anything that I like anymore. I feel like shit. And my head hasn't been behaving too. Sometimes I feel unwell and I touch my forehead to realise I'm burning up for no fucking reason. I feel like my body is showing me signs that I should give up, to just let go. This is all so fucked up. And where are they when I need them? As usual, not here. I'm done dealing with Ms Tan and Ms Hafie. Done. kbye.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. But I'm a little busy trying not to kill myself.


I'm sorry I said those words, but I didn't think it was unnecessary. And I don't regret saying it. You'd rather be offended and not talk to me then try to figure out what's going on. Do I usually use those words on you?




I'm sorry you're not feeling well. You tell me you're sick, and you explain to me that you're in pain. Can you imagine yourself having these kind of pain every single day? I have to go through with that every single day and I hardly complain. I don't want to compare but seriously sometimes I just feel like you're just some person trying to get some attention. I told you, don't do stupid things when I'm angry with you. Cause you can piss me off with anything you do...




Just go deal with your problems first. I don't need anyone, cause no one is able to help me anyway. I'm very tired, I keep telling you that. Even my body's giving up on me. You think I'm joking everytime I say I want to die but I'm not. And I will prove it to you that I'm serious about this. You don't want to help, No one wants to help then I'll help myself.


Can you see the pain in her eyes? Can you feel the pain she's feeling?

Hug me please

Sometimes I want you to be involved in everything I do. If I laugh, I want you to laugh. If I get hurt, I want you to be concerned. When someone hugs me, I want you to push them away and hug me instead.

Cause you keep dragging me down.

Gonna sleep with a heavy heart tonight. I want to cry but I'll just do it tmr. Right now, I need to escape from reality. One after another, problems after problems. Just keep dragging me down, just keep killing me.
What else? What more can you possibly take from me. Emotionally drained, I surrender. Here, take my heart, cause that's all I left.

Nufailmahmood

So I couldn't take it anymore.
I finally texted her again this afternoon, prayed so hard that she'll reply and she did. But what's the use? My heart stops when she replies, my heart skips a beat when I see her. My heart explodes when she looks at me. Doesn't all these say something?
Why the fuck do I have to deal with this? Is adding another fucked up problem just another cruel joke, God?
You just keep on doing that okay?
Can't you see how her actions affects me? Just one chance, that's all I need. Just her, that's all I desire for. God, I'm about to kill myself and there you are, not giving a fuck about me. Just tell me what to do. Give up? Cause it's been 6 fucking months, and I can't do it anymore. I can't watch her live her life without me in it. Do you have any idea how much it hurts? Try stabbing yourself with a pen over and over again, that's the feeling. I hate this so much. Why me? Oh yeah I forgot, cause I fucking deserve it ehy? Fuck this, Goodfuckingnight.

I've died so many times...

Pretty much done with everything.
I've enough of trying to fucking God damn please everyone. Just gonna shut my mouth cause that's probably the most I can do to not get into deeper shit. I hope my day come, I can't hold on much longer. I know myself and if smoking doesn't kill me then I guess I'll have to use other methods. Yeah right now I need an angel in disguise that's the only thing I need right now. Or maybe a gun. Both will do.
If ever somebody reads this, just remember NOBODY WILL EVER GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, SO DON'T BOTHER HOPING AND PRAYING THAT SOMEDAY SOMEONE WILL HELP. THAT DAY WILL NEVER COME, TRUST ME. Trust the girl who died a thousand times.

Ms.n.

People say that God only gives us what we need not what we want.
I guess God knew that I needed a good day, so he gave me Today.
Though I had on and off headaches, I still enjoyed today. Long story, too lazy to talk about it. I didnt go to school today but i still thought abut her every second. I hope I'll see her tmr. Goodnight world.

God this is an emergency

I want to be non existent.
I want to be heartless.
Can someone teach me how to do all that?
Can someone tell me what to do.
Cause there seems to be no way.
There's never a time when everyone ever satisfied with my actions.
Whatever I say, whatever I do
Everything about me is just wrong.
Everytime I close my eyes and pause for a second, tears form in my eyes.
Nobody said that this will be easy, but this is not even near easy.
I don't see a point in living such a difficult life I don't actually know what I'm living for.