So dinner was good today, I liked almost all of the dishes. But what sucked was how I ate very little. It sucks to have good food infront of you but not having the appetite to eat. Lately I've been taking a long time to leave the wet kitchen after mealtimes. I haven't been able to finish my meal everytime I eat. And if I stare at my food for too long, I'd feel like puking. Food has always been my primary 'cheer up' medicine. And now my body decides to do this to me.
People always tell me that I'm so skinny and I look so healthy and fit. I too like to show off my hard stomach but in actual fact, all these are just bullshit.
It's so easy to make me fall, just a slight push and I'd look as if a truck has just knocked me down.. I guess I'm light? Oh and I'm as fragile as a kitty... I bruise easily, get cuts and then scars. But I like to fight still. I love how I can fight easily and anywhere. Even though i go to a girls school where the girls' worses fights are verbally, I still can get new bruises everyday.
You know how breathing is like the most normal thing you can do right, not for me. Every breath I take I'd have to suck in the most my lung can take in. So imagine you breathe every second, and I have to basically use up a lot of energy just to breathe. Yeah that pretty much sucks.
So recently I have started smoking all over again, and I guess that's how I'm able to control my emotions better. But yeah the side effects are pretty much toxic to me. I can't exert too much energy cause I'd run out of breath. And I wouldn't be able to breathe. And everytime my heart pumps faster due to different reasons (running, shouting, anything that needs a little more energy than usual) my chest would hurt, I can even feel my heart burning. It's scary. And now I'm scared to longboard anymore cause it hurt a lot yesterday when I went boarding.
I can't do anything that I like anymore. I feel like shit. And my head hasn't been behaving too. Sometimes I feel unwell and I touch my forehead to realise I'm burning up for no fucking reason. I feel like my body is showing me signs that I should give up, to just let go. This is all so fucked up. And where are they when I need them? As usual, not here. I'm done dealing with Ms Tan and Ms Hafie. Done. kbye.
People always tell me that I'm so skinny and I look so healthy and fit. I too like to show off my hard stomach but in actual fact, all these are just bullshit.
It's so easy to make me fall, just a slight push and I'd look as if a truck has just knocked me down.. I guess I'm light? Oh and I'm as fragile as a kitty... I bruise easily, get cuts and then scars. But I like to fight still. I love how I can fight easily and anywhere. Even though i go to a girls school where the girls' worses fights are verbally, I still can get new bruises everyday.
You know how breathing is like the most normal thing you can do right, not for me. Every breath I take I'd have to suck in the most my lung can take in. So imagine you breathe every second, and I have to basically use up a lot of energy just to breathe. Yeah that pretty much sucks.
So recently I have started smoking all over again, and I guess that's how I'm able to control my emotions better. But yeah the side effects are pretty much toxic to me. I can't exert too much energy cause I'd run out of breath. And I wouldn't be able to breathe. And everytime my heart pumps faster due to different reasons (running, shouting, anything that needs a little more energy than usual) my chest would hurt, I can even feel my heart burning. It's scary. And now I'm scared to longboard anymore cause it hurt a lot yesterday when I went boarding.
I can't do anything that I like anymore. I feel like shit. And my head hasn't been behaving too. Sometimes I feel unwell and I touch my forehead to realise I'm burning up for no fucking reason. I feel like my body is showing me signs that I should give up, to just let go. This is all so fucked up. And where are they when I need them? As usual, not here. I'm done dealing with Ms Tan and Ms Hafie. Done. kbye.
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