Sigh,

Wow today has been a really bad day. Like what the fuck lah please. Woke up this morning but I went back to sleep, in the end I overslept. I know I shouldn't be blaming anything else except myself. But seriously if traffic wasn't so fucked up, I'd be on time.. In the end I was late for school. I got back English, F&N, Bio and social studies today. Pretty happy with my results overall. I didn't do as badly as expected for f&n.. But happy also for what, she didn't even look at me at all today. Actually can't wait to get my overall result slip.. Everything's been so fucked up today except for my results. So I'm just trying to think about that. After school, I had DC and that bitch Mrs g decided to give me 2hrs of DC when she didn't even talk to me. I don't know what happened next, Ms tan came and I told her to save me. So cute. In the end she claimed me and we spent that 2 hours doing some Spca stuff that she had to do. Though we're not talking now, I totally appreaciate what she did for me this afternoon. I hate how our relationship is so bitter sweet. One minute, we are so tight nothing can break us apart. The next minute, we're not talking. But what she said just now was so fucked up i plan to stop talking to her. I don't know why I keep pushing people away. Nevermind I'm gonna shut it. I'm so tired, gonna have to wake up early tomorrow. I have so much crap to let out but I think I've said enough. And I'm too tired to type anymore. Goodnight.

Imma fucking materialistic girl.

I'm going to try my best to get everything on this list. Sigh. Obviously there are more stuff that I want, but if I got all these I'd be ecstatic.

Clothes!! Please, especially tank tops and boxers and everything else.


Tongue studs. I really like those with words.



Helmet. What I think I need, haha


IPod shuffle.. Hate carrying two phones around :/


Xbox 360 games. Though these aren't the ones I want.

Seeing things differently.

Feeling weak and tired. I don't know what's wrong. My body's so warm, and usually it'll just last for awhile but ever since I got home I've been burning up.. My chest's hurting again. I'm tired and my sleeping problem has worsen.. I'm starving but I ate so little for dinner. I don't know what to do..


I had an okay day today in school. Got back my lit, chinese and chem papers. Though I wasn't expecting anything at all, I was pretty disappointed with my lit marks. There isn't much to study and lit has always been an okay subject for me.. I passed but, I just felt a little upset. Everyone did so much better than me, even those who always fail surprisingly scored higher. Omg you'll never guess what happened during Chinese... I FREAKING PASSED, AS IN SERIOUSLY PASSED. Everyone was happy for me, even Lao shi. She praised me, and I really really was happy when she did. I really am happy for my Chinese. For chem I failed but I got 22/50. And I didn't even study, like I was expecting a 9 or 10... So I'm pretty satisfied with my results so far, hope tomorrow will be the same. Going out to get drinks for me and my sister, most probably gonna get coffee/mocha for myself as a treat. Tomorrow morning, it's just going to be me, my coffee and a stick. Best combination ever. I guess everything's different now. I can sense my different attitude, at least I'll be safe. I miss N so much, and it hurts more than the cuts and bruises on my body. She crushed me that day, and I don't know if I can even think about it again. Forget it, new me, new attitude yeah? Peace out

Crash and burn

Today was really okay, but why was I so foolish to think that everything would stay that way. But I don't feel like talking about what happened. I just hate how things had to end like that.
I just had an attack not long ago and I'm glad it's over now, I thought I was going to die. I guessed I drank too much plus I smoked too. Usually when I do both on the same day means I either was partying or I'm severely damaged. There wasn't a party today so yeah.. I was in so much pain just now, I just wanted to stop doing everything and just lie on the floor... But at least that's over and now I'm having a really bad headache, not surprised if I get a hangover tomorrow. Not looking forward to school, just want the June holidays to come.
I'm so tired, I think I'm really running out of battery. I kinda want to cut myself before I go to sleep though. I don't know if I'm just talking cock now, yeah maybe I am. I mean I know I'm going crazy, so yeah.. I reek of alcohol and smoke but I don't give a fuck, I like this smell. Just read from somewhere that teenagers that smoke, drink and eat junk food are most likely to be unhappy. True dat. But what to do? There's only these left that make me better.

You're in my mind like a song on a radio

It's fucking 6 in the morning and I haven't slept at all. First it was hot, then the musquitoes decided to suck half my legs away. Then lightning came and then the storm. The heavy rain and loud thunder freaked my dog. And I felt so pissed cause I couldn't sleep. I didn't know which was more annoying, the freaking bright lightnings and loud thunders or my dog who kept barking non-stop. I know it wasn't his fault. I actually went downstairs and sat with him for awhile, and it was so cold, and scary.. No wonder he kept barking. The rain has stopped but I can still hear thunder rumbling from a distance. But there's still lighting and they have become so bright, I think I may need some shades... So so tired, everything seems to be hurting. My chest, my head, my eyes, my stomach.

Now I'm even having difficulties trying to escape from reality. Can't sleep, Can't eat. What the fuck do I do then? At least I still have sticks and I draw whenever I have the time. Last weekend, when I was supposed to be studying for my last paper, food and nutrition, I drew instead. I kinda fucking regret changing my subjects. I hate how I can't cook and the theory's just bullshit to me. And I hate how I met her and got my heart broken many times. But what's worst is I hate how much I love drawing, and sketching and painting and every fucking thing that relates to art. I hate how I like to dress up with matching colours, I hate to look at paintings and have so many opinions about it. I hate all these so much cause I don't have the talent. Everything I love, I don't seem to deserve.

Suicide

Ending your life is a very powerful thing. a very intense thing. a very passionate thing. You have to really feel strongly to take a life away - let alone your own, but before you start judging, before you start trying to understand, before you start missing me, before you start grieving, before you start accepting. Know this, know that you are not me. You are not in my shoes and you have no idea what it is like to be me. That’s not saying anything specific. that’s stating a fact. These thoughts have been around lately, not good. Shall use up my remaining sticks tomorrow, maybe that'll calm my fucked up mind for awhile.

Why I smoke

I smoke to prolong my life. Yes, you heard me right, prolong. You see, smoking calms me down. Every time I get the feeling like I’m going to slice myself to pieces out of hatred for myself until there’s nothing left, I smoke. Every time I get the urge to take one of my dad’s guns and blow my brains against the wall, I smoke. Every time I start getting my saved up pills together to take all at once, I smoke. In the years it takes me to get lung cancer I will have stopped myself from destruction many of times. To me, smoking is the safer option. And smoking doesn’t fix it entirely, I’m not claiming that. I’m just saying it makes it manageable. And that’s all I need right now.

Nothing matters anymore.

Don't want to talk about anything anymore. Just see the tears in my eyes then maybe you'll know that this time it's for real. Pushing everyone away, shutting out from life. I'm a wreck. My heart's probably going to need a surgery. Everything's broken, promises, my trust, my body. I don't know how long more... I don't know.

Please

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please be a better day tmr please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please

Drained

Everyday is a struggle for me. I can't keep on pretending.

It's just me against the world for now.

Not gonna blog for the time being cause I don't want some people to use this against me.

To the one I got away from.

I'm walking away from this, I'm walking away from you. I pretty much hate you, I hate you for making me feel worse. Having a headache and most probably gonna have an attack soon. I hope you're happy. That 30mins talk is gonna be the last conversation with you. Thanks for everything.

Doctor who?

So dinner was good today, I liked almost all of the dishes. But what sucked was how I ate very little. It sucks to have good food infront of you but not having the appetite to eat. Lately I've been taking a long time to leave the wet kitchen after mealtimes. I haven't been able to finish my meal everytime I eat. And if I stare at my food for too long, I'd feel like puking. Food has always been my primary 'cheer up' medicine. And now my body decides to do this to me.
People always tell me that I'm so skinny and I look so healthy and fit. I too like to show off my hard stomach but in actual fact, all these are just bullshit.
It's so easy to make me fall, just a slight push and I'd look as if a truck has just knocked me down.. I guess I'm light? Oh and I'm as fragile as a kitty... I bruise easily, get cuts and then scars. But I like to fight still. I love how I can fight easily and anywhere. Even though i go to a girls school where the girls' worses fights are verbally, I still can get new bruises everyday.
You know how breathing is like the most normal thing you can do right, not for me. Every breath I take I'd have to suck in the most my lung can take in. So imagine you breathe every second, and I have to basically use up a lot of energy just to breathe. Yeah that pretty much sucks.
So recently I have started smoking all over again, and I guess that's how I'm able to control my emotions better. But yeah the side effects are pretty much toxic to me. I can't exert too much energy cause I'd run out of breath. And I wouldn't be able to breathe. And everytime my heart pumps faster due to different reasons (running, shouting, anything that needs a little more energy than usual) my chest would hurt, I can even feel my heart burning. It's scary. And now I'm scared to longboard anymore cause it hurt a lot yesterday when I went boarding.
I can't do anything that I like anymore. I feel like shit. And my head hasn't been behaving too. Sometimes I feel unwell and I touch my forehead to realise I'm burning up for no fucking reason. I feel like my body is showing me signs that I should give up, to just let go. This is all so fucked up. And where are they when I need them? As usual, not here. I'm done dealing with Ms Tan and Ms Hafie. Done. kbye.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. But I'm a little busy trying not to kill myself.


I'm sorry I said those words, but I didn't think it was unnecessary. And I don't regret saying it. You'd rather be offended and not talk to me then try to figure out what's going on. Do I usually use those words on you?




I'm sorry you're not feeling well. You tell me you're sick, and you explain to me that you're in pain. Can you imagine yourself having these kind of pain every single day? I have to go through with that every single day and I hardly complain. I don't want to compare but seriously sometimes I just feel like you're just some person trying to get some attention. I told you, don't do stupid things when I'm angry with you. Cause you can piss me off with anything you do...




Just go deal with your problems first. I don't need anyone, cause no one is able to help me anyway. I'm very tired, I keep telling you that. Even my body's giving up on me. You think I'm joking everytime I say I want to die but I'm not. And I will prove it to you that I'm serious about this. You don't want to help, No one wants to help then I'll help myself.


Can you see the pain in her eyes? Can you feel the pain she's feeling?

Hug me please

Sometimes I want you to be involved in everything I do. If I laugh, I want you to laugh. If I get hurt, I want you to be concerned. When someone hugs me, I want you to push them away and hug me instead.

Cause you keep dragging me down.

Gonna sleep with a heavy heart tonight. I want to cry but I'll just do it tmr. Right now, I need to escape from reality. One after another, problems after problems. Just keep dragging me down, just keep killing me.
What else? What more can you possibly take from me. Emotionally drained, I surrender. Here, take my heart, cause that's all I left.

Nufailmahmood

So I couldn't take it anymore.
I finally texted her again this afternoon, prayed so hard that she'll reply and she did. But what's the use? My heart stops when she replies, my heart skips a beat when I see her. My heart explodes when she looks at me. Doesn't all these say something?
Why the fuck do I have to deal with this? Is adding another fucked up problem just another cruel joke, God?
You just keep on doing that okay?
Can't you see how her actions affects me? Just one chance, that's all I need. Just her, that's all I desire for. God, I'm about to kill myself and there you are, not giving a fuck about me. Just tell me what to do. Give up? Cause it's been 6 fucking months, and I can't do it anymore. I can't watch her live her life without me in it. Do you have any idea how much it hurts? Try stabbing yourself with a pen over and over again, that's the feeling. I hate this so much. Why me? Oh yeah I forgot, cause I fucking deserve it ehy? Fuck this, Goodfuckingnight.

I've died so many times...

Pretty much done with everything.
I've enough of trying to fucking God damn please everyone. Just gonna shut my mouth cause that's probably the most I can do to not get into deeper shit. I hope my day come, I can't hold on much longer. I know myself and if smoking doesn't kill me then I guess I'll have to use other methods. Yeah right now I need an angel in disguise that's the only thing I need right now. Or maybe a gun. Both will do.
If ever somebody reads this, just remember NOBODY WILL EVER GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, SO DON'T BOTHER HOPING AND PRAYING THAT SOMEDAY SOMEONE WILL HELP. THAT DAY WILL NEVER COME, TRUST ME. Trust the girl who died a thousand times.

Ms.n.

People say that God only gives us what we need not what we want.
I guess God knew that I needed a good day, so he gave me Today.
Though I had on and off headaches, I still enjoyed today. Long story, too lazy to talk about it. I didnt go to school today but i still thought abut her every second. I hope I'll see her tmr. Goodnight world.

God this is an emergency

I want to be non existent.
I want to be heartless.
Can someone teach me how to do all that?
Can someone tell me what to do.
Cause there seems to be no way.
There's never a time when everyone ever satisfied with my actions.
Whatever I say, whatever I do
Everything about me is just wrong.
Everytime I close my eyes and pause for a second, tears form in my eyes.
Nobody said that this will be easy, but this is not even near easy.
I don't see a point in living such a difficult life I don't actually know what I'm living for.

I want to praise myself for acting so well today. Even Ms tan thought that I was in a good mood. I decided to just put on my poker face to everyone. I really can't trust anyone already, and it sucks. Not a single one out there knows I'm hurting so badly.. Nevermind, I'll just feel better after a few puffs or maybe I'll eat like a lot.
I'm really in love with n... I think she's the one, and i'm serious. God, just give her to me and I'll leave you alone. I won't even care if my days get 10 times worse than what I'm already going through. I just need her.

I'm dead to the world.
I'm dead inside.
I surrender, you win God.

Fml again?

There's only a limit to my patience.
So don't fucking blow it.
So fucking tired of everyone
And how they treat me.
I'm like a dog, a slave, a joke..
What else? Maybe everything else except for a human.
And the only way I'm dealing with all these is just ranting out here on this fucking blog that only i read.
What irritates me most is when i've done so many things and yet I'm never appreciated. People say hurtful things to me, ask me to do so many things for them and when i finally say something back or don't do what they've asked, they get angry... It's like I'm never ever going to have a life. I really ask myself sometimes... Should i just forget about my own feelings completely and just shut my mouth and please everyone? Should i just shut off completely cause obviously I'm not wanted.
In school, at home, where else?
Everyday it gets harder.
I'd give up my life for some kid in Africa who's suffering from some disease or starving right now.
Cause i know every other life out there in this world is so much more worth mine.
The pain in me is unbearable.
Have you ever felt so helpless that it hurts so badly?
It sucks to be in this alone,
It sucks even more that i thought that THEY will stick with me no matter what.
People always say "everybody has there ups and downs"
Is that true? Cause i don't know what or who to believe anymore.
Hope's the only thing that i have, but it's decreasing everytime i fall.
I don't know how long more until i give up completely.

Deprived

I'm in need of a stick right now.
It has actually been one to two months since i had a puff.
But on the night of Easter Vigil,
I broke the promise i made.
I'm just so tired and my craving is getting worse.
I'll start again and this time i will not quit.
& I'd have higher chance of dying. Cause that's what everyone wants right? For me to disappear...

Another one of my poems.

As I'm standing in the rain
Drenched from head to toe,
I lick the water on my lips.
Isn't rainwater supposed to taste like fresh water?
So why oh why do i taste saltiness,
That lingers on the tip of my tongue?
Then i realise that the drops are actually tear drops from my eyes.
I can no longer take the weight on my shoulders,
I'm not able to go on this journey.
I have never felt this lonely before,
I have never been so cold.
But as i feel the rain pouring over me,
I start to feel numb.
I close my eyes and say my last few words.
I thank god for giving me this life,
Because nobody else deserves to go through what I have gone though.

Broken heart again, another lesson learnt.

It's Asyiqin's birthday tomorrow and i drew an Elephant for her cause she likes elephants. Haha. I'd show....... the picture i took of it cause she's always supporting me no matter how ugly my stuff are... But guess what we are like strangers now and she texted me today and asked if i was angry with her. Wtf much.
Ps. I have loads of crap i want to say but no I'm way too tired to type out anything anymore. Goodnight.

I.I.L.W.M.N.

The day when i lost my heart was the day i lost my mind too. Everything seems so dull. I've lost my happiness once again. Tell me how do i fix this cause there seems to be no way. Tell me how do i win your heart cause i haven't got a clue. God, just give us a chance. I know she's the one for me and i'll be the one for her. Maybe then my happiness will return.

I miss talking, i hate how i have no one to talk to anymore. It hurts so badly. I hate this.

My 11:11 wish

好心没好报。

Longlong day today, glad monday's over... This morning i was woken up by thunders and it was weird cause, it wasn't raining. I totally regret when i looked out the window cause there were lightning almost every 5 seconds. When the rain came, my bed became more inviting and i had to take a lot of effort just to get out of bed. The rain quickly changed to a storm and i became high~ Haha. All i was thinking about when i was in the car was dancing in the rain. Sadly i didn't.
School was okay today i guess... Ms N placed me in the first group of practical so my N levels practical is next week! Zomg.
After school, Gen, Claire, Shenna, Simran and i went to parkway for lunch. We at KFC and then Sougurt. Gen and i shared a cup. Hahaha. After Shenna, Simran and Claire left for tuition, Gen and I went back to pp to shop. I needed to get ingredients and Gen wanted to get some stuff for Leroy. We had a really good time lol.
I reached home at 545, had a quick shower and started to prepare dinner already. I took exactly 2 hrs to cook and serve so i'm pretty worried cause i only cooked 2 dishes out of the 4 i need to cook for practical. Dinner was served at 8. Everything was fine, everybody was eating happily when my Mum started talking about my food... And in the end everybody got upset, the mood was totally ruined and now i don't plan to talk to her at all.. I don't even want to cook anymore. Instead of appreciating, i was reprimanded and criticized. I didn't even get to rest when i came home and it's been 14 hours since i lied on my bed. Not one single thank you from my Mum.. But nevermind, at least everyone else said dinner was good.
I saw ..........'s message about her injuring her toe and i'm worried but idk... I haven't talked to anyone for a while and idk if it's a good thing or not. Forget it, i was born alone into this world, i'm gonna die alone too.

Ps. This is what i cooked, pineapple fried rice and cream of mushroom soup.

I'm so disappointed. Is like i don't even know who my family is anymore.
When they need me then they come to me. When they are lonely they come to me for company, but when they aren't, they forget about me and just leave me alone. What am i to them? When they need something, i have to get it for them. If i say no they have all the fucking rights to be angry with me. Kcan. If i ever ask them to get me something i can bet with you a 100 bucks that they'll say no. I want to change my name to slave or maybe dog? Or how about if i just have no name. Nobody treat me like a human anyway.

That one girl

The one thing i most desire for is Love. Not just any love but true love. I want her to be the first thing on my mind when i wake up and the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep. I want to share with her every little thing that i have even if it's not much anyway. I want to have that skipping of a heart beat everytime i look into her eyes, and i want to have that same feeling of love from the first time i had that crush on her till death do us apart. I want to cook for her everyday eventhough i said i'll only cook on special occasions. I want to spend every minute of my life with her and i never want to feel uncomfortable infront of her even if i act like a girl or dress like one. I want to love her for who she it and i'll accept both her good and bad points. I want to play the penis game with her and i'll never get tired of her. Last of all and the most important thing, i'll want her to to love me the way i'll love her. And i want her to want all that i wanted for her the same to me. This is my wish, my deepest desire.

It's a very very mad world.

So i'm tired and still deciding if i should go to church tmr. I miss my kids but i don't want to see the other people.


It's been a long day today and i don't know why but i've been upset the whole day. But at least i didn't show it, my pokerface seems to be getting better everyday. I actually didn't sleep well last night. It rained the whole night and eventhough my windows were closed, I was practically freezing. And i think my sister passed her cough to me. Sometimes i would just randomly wake up in the middle of the night just to cough, that was how bad it was. So you can guess how tired i am right now.


Everybody has been blaming me for everything today. It's like nothing i did was correct, while everything they did was perfect. It happened during baking class, and it happened again at home. My Mum was complaining about my Dad and i tried to side him and in the end i got scolded too. And my Mum asked if i could undertand English.. Thanks for the support Mum.


It's time to take my daily medication, but i don't feel like taking it. This is the third night in the row that i've not taken it... I'm scared. I feel like i can't trust what this pill does to me. Not after what my mum told me about the effects for my other pills. I feel as if nobody believes me, especially the doctors. They think i'm lying about my migraines, they think i'm crazy. Who knows? Maybe i am. I feel crazy. I'm crazy enough to continue living in this fucked up world where no one cares.

Probably good for nothing

So today has been pretty much crazy. I don't really want to thank god it's friday, cause my weekend plans are usually the same as weekdays. There's not a single night in the whole week that i can actually sleep in. And i'm so tired right now, it's not even funny anymore...
So this morning i woke up at 6 to wake my brother up for school. But when i went out of my room, i saw my brother coming out of his room too so i actually woke up for nothing. At 640 my brother woke me up and asked me if i could send him up the bus, i agreed and when i went out of my room my Mum came out of her room and asked me what i was doing. I mean like isn't it obvious enough? Haha. I told her and she just asked me to go back to sleep, another 'waking up' for nothing. So it's pretty much obvious that when i had to wake up at 730, i was exhausted! HBL was fun though. Seriously, we should have hbl like once a month!
During my break, i went out to get lunch for my Mum, Sis and myself. And i totally forgot that today's friday
again, so i basically bought like fried chicken, sausages, otah and other meat... Tsk. Lucky my Mum didn't scold me. After hbl was over, my Sis asked me if i wanted to go out or not. How to say no right? ..........
When i was about to bathe to get ready to go out, which was at about 420, my Mum came into the room and asked both my Sis and i to skype Lao ee. In the end we were late cause we talked too long, lol. Lucky there was another time slot for hunger games at 550 so we cabbed there. And good, cause we made it in time.The movie was really good, and i wouldn't mind watching it again.
Here comes the sad part. After the movie, my Sister wasn't feeling really good but she still wanted to go to expo, so we cabbed there. Her feet were hurting cause she was wearing realling tall heels and so she got upset when we couldn't find Jean D. In the end we found her and while we were waiting for an opportunity to talk to Jean D, my Sis twisted her ankle and fell. I didn't really saw what happened, not until i heard stuff. I helped her up and she was so embarressed because the place was really crowded. The guys from first 11 were there with Jean D, and people were taking pictures of and with them. A group of malay ladies suddenly appeared and they caught my attention because they were so loud and noisy, and guess who i saw... One of thee ladies was Ms N... She was laughing really loud when suddenly she saw me too, her face expression immediatlely changed (priceless).. I looked away, and she actually approached me and started talking to me.. Okay lets just forget about that, back to the sad story. My Sis felt like Jean D was avoiding her, and i actually sensed it too but i didn't want to upset her so i told her that she was just being paranoid. Stuff happened and when my Sis was waiting for Jean D cause she asked her to wait for her, my Sis suddenly just wanted to go. We went out of the hall and she told me that she needed to sit down, so we sat outside the hall. And she just started crying... She was crying halfway when all of them came out, all the guys, then followed by Ms N and her friends and then Jean D. They all left and when i turned to look at Ms N, she turned too and she smiled at me for about 5 seconds. My sister didn't really talk much after she cried. And i didn't know what to do. She bought me a hot dog bun and i ate it while we waited for a cab. When we reached outside my house, my sister tripped and fell at the road, and when i wanted to help her up, she started crying again. And that part I was literally screaming in my head to God, asking why does he have to be like that. I'm already experiencing the sucking of life, why does he have to make the people around me suffer too.. When we finally reached home, and when she sat down, i realised that her knee was bleeding. I hate how my sister is suffering and i can't do anything about it.
My tweet goes out to her ' I can beat up anyonewo bullies my sister, i can protect her from anything. But tell me, how do i stop her from getting her heart broken? '
No matter how much we may fight, I still love my Sister and i never want to see her so upset. So Jean D, you have lost my respect.

Things going through my head

Some people just cannot take no for an answer. I just hope one day karma will fucking strike you.

11:11

So many things i want in life. And i just realised that eventhough i wish to end my life almost every other night, i still want a lot of things. So tonight i wish to have at least one of my dreams, come true.

Fishy

One day my girlfriend will take me to an aquarium and we'll spend the day there. Cause she'll know everything about me and one of the things i absolutely love, is everything about the sea.

Empty soul

So i asked Ms Tan to side my sister and be there for her because she needs her. Ms Tan replied and asked me :"what about you?" I plan not to reply her but this is what i wanted to say
"I don't need anyone, cause i'm already dead"

God help me.

"Blood is thicker than water"
Fuck that shit. My family members are so fucked up they don't deserve me. They deserve shit. Only when they need or want something then they come to me. If i ever say no or can't do it, they get angry and stop talking to me. I don't know if i should change my name to Maid or Slave or i don't know. And what's worse is i'm always the one apologising,
even when i didn't do anything...
My face is all wet, second time crying on the same night.
Right now i need God, this is an emergency. I can't take it anymore. I know my limits and i've already reached it.

My brother just said something to me. And i think i just literally died.
My own blood brother would say these kind of things to me.
I actually don't know what to do anymore.

Silent cry

The only lesson i've learnt after getting my heart break a thousand times is not to trust anybody.
So i would rather just keep everything to myself than to tell you anything.
I would rather just suffer silently than to let you know how much pain i'm actually feeling.

So many things.

So many things bothering me.
So much things on my mind.
So many things i want to say,
Yet so little words comes out.
So many friends that i have,
Yet so few to rely on.
So many things to be grateful for,
But so many things i ain't happy about.
So many things i want to change,
But i've no idea where to start.
So many dreams to fulfill,
But only one i wish for everynight.
So many expectations to live up to,
But all I give back are dissapointments.

Why the fuck am i always so dam unlucky?

Us.

February 2012.

Tired.

Why is everyone so dam fucked-up annoying? I'm so pissed i can explode right now.. Like, has anyone ever cared about me? All i do is please everyone. Why am i trying so dam hard to make everyone else happy?
So numb, the only thing i feel is this pain, deep inside my heart. I'm broken and scared and there's nothing i do about it. Tonight, my only prayer is for me to never open my eyes again once i fall asleep.

I'm dying

Feeling so sick right now..
Even my body's giving up on me.
I feel as if i'm going to die soon.
So weak, so tired.

Fml yet again

Is there anyone out there that can fix someone? I need to be mended.
I have no one to count on, no one to go to. 
Not today.. I lost Wati, .........'s in Malaysia 
and i havent replied and of her whatsapp msges. 
No one else. I don't care if this is a paradigm or not. I'm so tired. 
And God knows how long i've been tired for.
I have no motivation, no inspiration.
I wake up every morning to find that i've lived another fucking day... 

I'm so god damn tired of life.
I don't even want to talk about anything anymore.
Everything, EVERYTHING seems to be my fault.
Whatever i say or do is wrong.
Why am i even here in the first place?
Why am i holding back?
Oh cause im hoping and praying,
maybe someday someone would help me.
Reality check, no one is going to do that.
I'm just slowly fading away.
Deep inside im dying every minute.